Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Waterfall

Floating across the surface,
a human speck admist
flotsam and jetsam,
I drift away from you,
into the sunset where
I'd rather be.

The wind huffs again
in a little cough
urged by my pestering prayer.

Away, away I go,
with that cold bread
damp with sea-salt
and clenched by
a determined fist.

I watch the rays of sunlight
set to a redish hell
of playful lights,
dancing like water nymphs
across my face.

I watch the mermaids,
and they remind me
of what it feels like
to be one, yet another,
and tossed in the middle
of land and never-ending sea.

I listen to their music
dance on the droplets of light
that drip with crystal salt
from my hanging hair,

and I think of life in your lair,
however awful, however fair.

But away I drift,
before the hour is passed,
I shall be dragged beneath
by the currents,
or tugged underneath
like the little nymphete's
plaything;

Or even tugged up into the sky
like a fish about to be eaten;

but this fate is not mine to tell,
nor is this life mine to wish and spell;

for now, I drift away from you,
and let my spirit taste
the gritty salt of an
over polluted waste-water.

And I wash myself
with the tears of the night time,
bask in the showers of eternity
as they swiftly pass before my eyes.

A waterfall, the maids have won this time.

Let the sylvan elves mourn no more,
for ever was he glad,
who freed himself from the world,
and swam the celestial plane alone
and unguided, wild and unrestrained.

Away, away from you a fly,
with the speed of an eager dolphin,
and the stealth of a stealing shark.

Away, and spin the stars to do my will,
even if it be for a time,
that time, shall be my eternity,
and I shall be its God,
until the next shall come.

A plunge pool, and all is well.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem was written a while back. Most of it should explain itself.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I loved some of the Stanzas in this one as it lullabied the reader into another world
Yet there are gaps in the write that makes it a smooth lumpy if you get what I mean.
The flow ebbed and then flowed again there seems to be a need to look at this piece and have a little tweak here and there.
I loved the pictures the words showed but they seemed not to join as one lovely scene, I would think about the title a little, as Waterfall is mentioned once in your write, the main theme is about the sea,.. Keep on writing, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

for taking time to read this. I'll take a deeper look and iron it out.

Thank you.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.