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Of water (I)

the water fills me.
my mouth
                    d
                       r
                         i
                           p
                              s
on muddy grounds;

though my lips are arid
                                            and
  all I can think is you;
                                your face
                                                  drowning

                                                m
                                                e.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

You got advanced formatting very fast. Don't see it a lot around here.
Through my lips are what? Hmm perhaps a typo?
Maybe take are out?
ground or grounds hmm.. might think about that as well.
Welcome once again and a great first post,

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Thank you so much for your time, seeing this piece!

author comment

Is this visual poetry? concrete poetry? I'm never sure of the difference. I'm afraid I can't offer much thoughtful commentary on this style or e e cummings-like punctuation so I'll just give my impression. I feel like the first "drips" works well. For me, the drowning "me" doesn't work as well - maybe not enough letters in "me" for a visual impact. I think of drowning as a panicky, spastic experience, inconsistent with the drip of two letters. I don't know about the "and." Would something be lost without it? I get a sense of uneasiness and menace from this poem - water as danger and not as life-giving. Good to see a different form on the site. I'm curious to see your other works.

Thank you so much! New works are coming soon... So happy I have found this community!

author comment

you've certainly made a splash, in your debut here! Not many of us here, have the knowledge of, or the inclination to, take advantage of advanced format. That being said; I like the emotion behind the work. It seems as though, one has the drowning of a personality by a lover as the premise? ~ Geezer.
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Thank you so much! This is exactly the feeling of this poem, the despair, the unhappiness of a relationship or even a misbehaviour that leads to a drowning...

author comment

There are no Edits lol
Love it!
A real pleasure,

Please vote for the Neopoet of the year here:
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I'm thinking this person is young enough to understand the technology, and, old and wise enough to be good at poetry,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lets all be a bit jealous eh ????

I am.~ Geez.
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Vote for your favorite poem of the year!
The winner gets a
$100 prize and one-year full premium!
Go to the Forum or The Neopoet News
and use the survey to vote. Most votes wins the prize!

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The truth is that visual, blackout and erasure poetry are some of my favourite genres of writing!

author comment

Thank you!

author comment

Thank you!

author comment
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