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Water Down

If I never took the opportunity - test
I'll say what's truly in my heart'
plus I've a mind to say it, now.

Ink shall be my vehicle
lined paper my only grid.
Hopefully, the meaning won't be lost
in the mouthing of the words.

These utensils are both primitive, and vague at best;
so lean ever closer so as to hear me better,
and try to read my words as I have carefully scattered them.

Forgive me my arrogance in assuming
what I have to say is important,
these are but my own personal feelings;

however these feelings include you,
so please, believe in my earnestness,
and question not, my absolute sincerity.

We've shared so many private moments, you and I
failing to tell each just how much
they're completely treasured;

and each knowing glance, which speaks volumes to us, and us alone;

so very little to the uninterested masses,
and nothing at all to those completely left in the dark'
because we deemed it so.

We are the elite, in that regard;
but it's our own, private and secret magic,
and we mustn't divulge the answer to our puzzles;

if we did, we would be guilty of diluting their essences;
and pedestrianizing the magic;
that only we two know about.

Such knowledge belongs to us, and us alone!

Let the others fend for themselves
and create their own brand of magic.

Our shared magic is unique, and quite rare in and of itself.
We shall not spill the beans, or tattle on ourselves;
because, we wouldn't want to water down our private version of.......Love.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
For Toni White, my Mom.
Editing stage: 

Comments

not the usual love poem that one would expect. I could almost lean over your shoulder to read it as per your request. Two little niggles; get rid of the [e] on the end of answer. Try to take out the unnecessary words, like; because and [and]. Example: Let ink be my vehicle, lined paper my only grid. I liked the message, the beginning and end were fine. I hope you will continue to work on this one, I want to see how it comes out. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
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...and I revised the poem as you suggested. How does it read to you, now? Better....I hope.
Sincerely, thanx for your encouragement, AND your fine help in my editing process.
Later,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

to help. I think it reads much better now. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

this is deep and inviting read. The theme held me to the grid nicely

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...very much. I wasn't going to even post this, as it was personal for my Mom....but, she insisted...so, that was that.
Thanx for your generous words of encouragement;
sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

your worst poems give advice.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I don't know what poem you're critiquing, but it's not THIS one. I don't give a word of advice in this....and neither do you in your comment !
Maybe it is I who should elude you to the beginning of paragraph 7 of your OWN recommended reading, which states very clearly: "When giving a critique, always consider that the critique should be specific to the poem and not the poet."
Having shared that thought with you consider this; my Mom coerced me into posting this one because she's noticed you're always "fussing" about my not writing enough freeform poetry....and, you had nothing to say addressing my effort.
Crawl back into your hole, get over yourself, and then maybe you'll be able to comment in a proper manner.
More than sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

was tired and mixing up too many open tabs. Left the wrong comment on another poem too.

Better go tidy up my mess.

Sorry.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

This is simply how it caught me. I heard you speaking to me (and other poets wherever they are).
It was a love song to me about all of us. Read it again with that in mind and tell me what you think.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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...I can see what you mean, and it makes perfect sense. Thanx again, for your enthusiastic, and somewhat melancholy remarks.
Sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

... even though it kind of slits my own throat.

"You'd be a poet, but you hear it's tough?
No problem. Just be strict about one rule:
No high-flown words, unless your aim is fluff;
The hard thought needs the naked syllable.
For giggles, gauds like pseudoanti-
disestablishment fulfill the purpose well;
But when you go for guts, the big words miss:
Trade "pandemonic regions" in for "hell".

... Important poems? Oh... excuse the snort...
Sack scansion, then- and grammar, sense, and rhyme.
They only lie around to spoil the sport-
They're potholes on the road to the sublime.

And poets with important things to say
Don't write Important Poems anyway."

Williard R. Espy

Don't stop doin' what ya do.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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