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THE WARS
THE WARS [APOCALYPSE]
And across the fields
we began to run
each and every one
The enemy was close behind.
Suddenly
a bullet struck my spine
and I fell paralyzed
deep and hard
into the morning mist.
Those still alive
fled
to the other side.
I lay days in the gray
of the dying and dead.
until I could rise
once again
in fear and dread
for there was not where
I would end.
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Comments
Ian.T
Tue, 2012-05-29 04:18
Joe
Haven't commented on your work for a while, this is a little different from some I have read and is fine, like an end to being, then a new you good concept..
The last but one line where you say "for there was not where" Did you mean THIS
instead of THERE in that line or am I missing something.
Great to see your writes, Yours Ian.T
PS:- have you managed to hear the tape yet ??????
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Geremia
Tue, 2012-05-29 07:30
Thank you, Ian. "There" for
Thank you, Ian. "There" for rhyme with "where"
Friend did listen to tape. She said I wasn't ready to hear.
My physcal condtion has deterirated. I suggest this in my poetry. Despte that.I do try to cope and stay strong "i ths world" I need to see the "sun" and keep my spirt alive.:)
The atrophy and chronic pain has reached my lower spine. . I live alone and .am spiritually depleted. As I said, " i need to see the sun"
Joe
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-05-29 08:53
Disagree with Ian
This powerfully evoked the pain and terror.
You made me feel the experience (for which I am not terribly gratefully)
But a powerful write.
my only crit is that you could convey the pain and terror more powerfully, especially the sense of powerlessness and pointlessness.
Also you did not make this an obvious allegory for your physical condition, for which I am very pleased.
You have the genius of a poet and I would like you to explore different themes. Or maybe I just missed the allegory in this one.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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Geremia
Tue, 2012-05-29 16:20
Thank you, Jess. I am trying
Thank you, Jess. I am trying not to overstate as I learned from your crits. I am more comfortable now in the "vague."
You didn't miss the allegory in this one :).
Joe
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2012-05-30 02:50
Joe
I read this piece ok, and though Jess disagreed with me can't say which bit that I said .
Maybe it was the there and where bit, but I have accepted that, as on reading a few times it does fit the whole The portrayal of that solitary figure being left to his own ways as everyone carries on, I realised it was a Joe figure, but we are all alone at the end of a journey.
I have over the past few weeks reflected on this point, that you have extra pain to walk with must make it more vivid for you and that is not always good to see.
I understood from the last stanza that you feared the transition to that other state,
but we all fear this step into an unknown, like I suppose to jumping off of a cliff wondering if you are going to hurt before that blankness, still it is a big leap and Jess is a down to Earth realist where an after life is a non non.
I always reflect on the Star Trek words of "It's life Jim but not as we know it"
Did your friend say why it was not time to listen to the tape ????
Know that we are thinking of you, and stand with you when you call, or ask of our friends, Yours Ian, Anne,and forever love from, Sister Teresa, & of course Sadie.....
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Geremia
Wed, 2012-05-30 04:45
yes,Ian, you read me well
yes,Ian, you read me well.TAPES:too close to what i should not know at this point. It seems the closer I get, the farther I run.
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2012-05-30 10:52
Joe
It is for you to live, that is all we ask of you.
Also that you write for us as you do.
We are here with you each step of the way..
Yours as always, Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..