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warning
swings and dodgems, children's' slides
brightly painted waltzing rides
one minute I embrace the sky!
the next I scream that I will drown
as we plunge -
down!
so be careful where you take me, love
candy floss and rubber snakes
false jewels and coloured paste
roundabouts can nauseate
and I would rather find my place
feet firmly -
on the ground
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Seren
Thu, 2013-01-24 02:42
Hi Jenifer
This is the second poem I have read today that has polar bears and the second with fairground rides ... I promise never to take you to the show lol to be honest I like big theme parks love the rollercoaster havent been for many years dont know how I would handle it these days the old bones might rattle a little
I liked the revisions I checked the tab and I like Eph's suggestions they were spot on
Jayne-Chloe xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats