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Warbler and I

Submitted by IRiz on Mon, 2018-04-16 15:10

On the top of the hill
in the alley
gnarly trunks are firm in the ground
soaking their wrinkles
in vapors of spring
over the stream drunk and muddy
like run-away vagrant.

On the banks of red dirt
almost covered
by threadbare carpet of hungry
young grass
warbler sings.

I am running under the crowns
through whirls of
sent down to earth
petals
semitransparent
and weightless.

Under these crowns
I take a deep breath
and I sigh
like someone
who has been finally blessed
by unforgiving parent,
I sigh as if
all the negative crap and grief
are only apparent,
as if I had returned to the age of five,
as if I hold my lover
who has come back from the war
alive.

I sigh
and the warbler screeches and screams
and that is how
we find our places
in the grand scheme of things.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Mon, 2018-04-16 15:22

good creation of your free spirit and emotions dancing to the tunes of Wo bla song
....................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Mon, 2018-04-16 16:27

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but I have a few little criticisms for this work. You asked for comments on your language in particular and so I will say;
I thought that you should delete the second [sigh] and just say " like someone who has finally been blessed by an unforgiving parent.
gnarly tree trunks are [in] the ground, not [on]
Say; "Over the drunk and muddy, vagrant stream"
How about "and the warbler sings; I am running."
Leave off the "but stubbornly flying around."
"I feel as though all the negative grief and crap is apparent only to me."
"As if I had returned to the age of five, Or as if I hold my lover who has come home from the war.
"I sigh and the warbler screeches and that is how we find our places in the grand scheme of things."

I hope that I didn't seem too negative and I really did like the theme. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

IRiz

Mon, 2018-04-16 16:59

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Hello, Geezer. You sounded constructive, not negative! Thank you. I feel the write is raw, I came up with the theme this morning running under the blooming trees. There is something broken in the cadence as well. But there was a loud music on background while I wrote it and you know how it kills the internal bit. My tick tock was derailed. I will introduce some of your suggestions now and for the rest of issues I will need a small reboot. Currently I work on my novel which is also not helping.

IRiz

author comment

IRiz

Mon, 2018-04-16 18:49

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Please, take a look on newer, cleaned up version of the poem. Thank you very much for all your extremely useful comments.

IRiz

author comment

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-04-17 17:56

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I do think the last stanza makes the poem. There are a few rhymes, so closing in this way works,
(Not sure about parent/apparent )
The mention of you running of course makes me think you are jogging. So I might joining the activity of the running more with that deep breath and sigh. Jogging in itself produces endorphins and has it's own feeling of making you feel free, as opposed to you pausing and taking it all in. You are involved with all the fine tuned muscles in the body to jog, and speed, it is a very important aspect of the narrative. For example, that running makes you feel as weightless as the petals dropping to the earth.
...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

IRiz

Tue, 2018-04-17 18:33

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Thank you for reading.
Sounds like the message came across.

IRiz

author comment

IRiz

Wed, 2018-04-18 08:24

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Hi Mark! It is an interesting case of a disagreement in word use. I feel the word soil does not fit into the line. But it is what I meant anyway. Let me see what I can do about it.
I am glad to hear from you and to know that you like jogging ( I assumed)

IRiz

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weirdelf

Thu, 2018-05-31 04:13

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It jars in a way that pleases my inner anarchist. The tone seems to change so dramatically.
Excellent revisions.

Not sure if 'running' is best
I am running under the crowns
perhaps-
rushing, bounding, darting, dashing, flighting, scampering, springing, sprinting, or tearing?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

IRiz

Thu, 2018-05-31 09:15

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Hi Jess!
Thank you for visiting this morning!
The whole thing happens on my morning run in the park behind my house. Emo also don't like the verb run and suggested jogging.
In fact I am running fast or at least it feels that way.
I thought to name the poem morning run,
You suggested the list of verbs most of them I hear for the first time. Thank you. I will study their use in books. Thank you for your time reading and commenting.

IRiz

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