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Waking Rhyme (Rhyme Patterns Workshop) Judyanne's revision

I didn't sleep again today
but that is my usual way
I might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away

So I'll get up and walk around
for no purpose I can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be

so wash and eat
is a good start
and a resounding fart
represents a stunning feat

this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
so I'll will my mentor now ignore
and go back to bed and snore

Judyanne's revision

I didn't sleep again today
but that's simply my usual way
I might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away

So I'll get up and walk around
for no real purpose I can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be

so wash my face and hands and eat
a good idea and a good start
and, too, a loud resounding fart
would represent a stunning feat

this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
I will, my mentor, now ignore
and head off back to bed to snore
 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think that you have used the various types of rhyme to their fullest here.
One thing I think should be said is that this first piece was not to be for perfection in any way, I am finding that the comments are about the meter and various other aspects of poetry.
I understood from the instruction that we were just to write a rhyme using a sing song nursery rhyme type of piece.
Yours Fits the bill but is a little jumpy where you have put in correct form of meter etc:..
Then we have all the other comments on one thing and another from those that know about correct form , I say to those just wait for the rest of the workshop and see how we progress to correctness,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

ta mate

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Stan said we shouldn't post yet or should we?
and are we supposed to write each stanza with a different rhyme scheme?

You're doing things too fast guys , or am I too slow?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

But I think my poem can be viewed in relation to the current discussion. I've tried to make the forms clear, although it's not as singsongy as it was supposed to be. I find that hard. And you know what? It is a lacking in my skill.
Ephraim Crud can teach us much here, how to be lyrical without being shallow.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Nice to show how so mant patterns can be written in SS manner and to also include a bit of humor.............stan

the break in meter stops the real 'nursery-rhyme feel'

for example - to me it would fall even more if it read as

I didn't sleep again today
but that's simply my usual way
I might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away

So I'll get up and walk around
for no real purpose I can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be

so wash my face and hands and eat
a good idea and a good start
and, too, a loud resounding fart
would represent a stunning feat

this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
I will, my mentor, now ignore
and head off back to bed to snore

but even then the word choice removes a lot of the ss
just me

but of the verses as you have them, i think the least singy is
'so wash and eat
is a good start
and a resounding fart
represents a stunning feat'

and the most
'this poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
so I'll will my mentor now ignore
and go back to bed and snore'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

AAAA
ABAB
ABBA
AABB

like....................love
..........................dove
..........................cove
..........................above

okay next....... kiss
..........................dish
..........................piss
..........................fish

and so on...

if acceptable....
some one may fill in the blanks for me..

loved

although I pronounce cove as coav not cuv like the other 3.

Why not join the workshop? From your occasional forays into rhyme I'm sure it would help you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

but my plate is too full and stomach bloating
shall if and when ever i can
swim dim slim and save
a shim....

loved

come on, take the challenge to improve your craft. Even your ego cancer can't believe that you are perfect and that this simple workshop won't help you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I'll leave it to Stan

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

you'll have us both in the corner...
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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