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WAKING RHYME (rhyme patterns revision on weirdelf's poem)

ORIGINAL
I didn't sleep again today
but that is my usual way
i might write giddily and sway
it doesn't mean I've gone away pattern :aaaa

So I'll get up and walk around
for no purpose i can see
my general premise isn't sound
but I'll be the best that I can be pattern : abab

so wash and eat
is a good start
and a resounding fart
represents a stunning feat pattern : abba

This poem wasn't meant to mean
that godliness is always clean
so I'll will my mentor now ignore
and go back to bed and snore pattern aabb

REVISED VERSION

I got way too little sleep today
which isn't all that odd for me
and might make me write too sloppily
making folk bid "Go away" pattern : abba

I'll get out of chair and move around
so legs won't ache and head won't pound
to keep my head from growing giddy
and mouth from spouting words unpretty pattern :aabb

Reckon while I'm up I'll dine
Ramen noodles? maybeT.V. dinner?
could well be that a frozen pizza
and mug of beer would be a winner pattern :abcb

This last stanza is pretty lame
it never was meant to be great
but I'm done now and will go back to sleep
you might well choose to do the same pattern :abca

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Is editing a revision redumbdant? lol
Editing stage: 

Comments

i think this is more sing-song that the original

none of the rhyme schemes seem to make that much difference
i truly think it is word choice here

also scansion seems rather out at
'and might make me write sloppily
fear not, though, I've not gone away'
and also at
'but I'm done now and will go to sleep'

all imho of course
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Yeah it still has that feel doesn't it? Would be a bit easier if I'd only had to deal with changing 1 pattern instead of 4 lol. I'm probably gonna do a bit of editing but I actually Want to leave some room for improvement ............stan

author comment

You could always change them all to the same pattern. But what I really think needs focus is reducing the SS without using meter disruption as a device. The meter wasn't crash hot to start with, it doesn't need to be worse! [smiles]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

That which does not make your head explode makes skull thicker lol. No problem. I'll keep tinkering with it.............stan

author comment
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