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The Wailing Red Sea

_*@YungPrinzeT*_
24/08/2017
6.30AM

THE WAILING RED SEA

In this azure was an eclipse,
Where the stars despoil
The virgin moon
Of her sheen smile
& collectively laid with her 
In the bed of nature.

The neat sheet on the bed
Was stained with reddish drops
Of agony, which in anger
Flowed down 
To hide the defiled moon's pains
Beneath the earth.

The clout 
Of the moon's pains 
Was soon felt on the earth,
As the pains grew gigantic green
And sharp pointed thorns, 
Which choked the earth's innocence.

The moon in a weary mood, 
Wore a torn black cloak to mourn
Her murdered pride; her virginty.
Whereas, the stars 
Threw a pricey party 
To celebrate their callous acts.

But the wails of the red sea 
Buried beneath the earth,
Accompanied by lighting
And thunder strike, overwhelmed
The stars' party; deafened & darkened
Their ears & brightness respectively. 
Forever shall they fidget in regret Before the now-vindicated moon.

Written by;
Poroye Ezekiel Tobiloba (POET)
CEO, Palace of Exclusive Thoughts
[email protected]

Editing stage: 

Comments

I get the story, but these lines couched in such obscure terms do not lend themselves to interpretation very well. I believe that it is the story of a woman that was essentially raped? It would be nice to just read the story without having to decide what it is. ~ Geezer.

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While I agree with Geezer, come of your lines as standalones are truly gorgeous. I read,
"In this azure was an eclipse,
Where the stars despoil"
and had to pause for a minute because I had felt I had come across something geniunely beautiful. What I would say to you is you don't need this really heavy metaphor. Follow the lines that are beautiful and give us that magnificence from the first two lines.
Hope to read more of your work soon,
Nick.

To me i think it's something about nature,
moon eclipse in particular.
keep writing

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

It is either based in a mythology I am unfamiliar with or is an allegory that doesn't quite carry.

You need to be more versatile and experimental in your language use. The word Pain is used three times, moon five times and bed twice. Also please don't use '&' or other abbreviations, it cheapens the work.

With some revisions improving the language and imagery and including some indication of who these rapist stars represent could turn it into a really good poem.

I did a reading so you can hear when the scansion falters and especially how the repetitions detract. Good luck with this, I look forward to your revisions.
Just click on the link below.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1Pcc6tuDyGe

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Much have I, not understood.
But the mythical, I deem quite good.
I have but a simple education.
Not comfortable at adjudication.
Thank you for sharing

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