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Vulnerabaiku

a house of snowflakes
under a saharan sun
bespeaks sanity

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments

English can not produce perfect haiku. Syllables don't equal 'On'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_(Japanese_prosody).

I just regard it as three very short, compact lines rich in poetic content. That's my goal, anyway.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Something about Greenhouses and throwing stones springs to mind, this made me smile.
Could just picture you sitting there, Chinese water torture to the end lol, wondering what to do with the water, and taking out a tissue to wipe it away the mind is now Boggled, Yours Ian.T

PS:- Please define poetic content we have had of late many changes , where free verse, prose and many other not poetic forms of writing are coming in to our stream.
Do we need clarification on the differences, Yours Ian....??

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

get off the grass!
Seriously, yes it is a big, contentious topic which has been partially addressed recently in Stan's Prose to poetry workshop and will be addressed further.
In briefest terms I consider it compression of meaning with imagery.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

snow flakes can't go with the Sahara Hot sun.
Does this mean that sinity has vanished?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

or perhaps the Saharan sun is a delusion
or perhaps the sanity is.
Open to reader interpretation.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Im learning slowly weirdelf , Like the end .,...."bespeaks my sanity"

a quick google or wikipedia will provide heaps of info,
ta

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

love this senryu jess

great alliteration
and excellent satori
- you know what though - i don't reckon you need the 'my'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I thought about that 'my' and looking at it again I'm going to remove it,
thanks judy

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I like this poem
I wanted to remove the "A"
in first line

"house of snowflakes"
i like myth concepts like titles
"house of tears"
"hall of mirrors" etc

but it works here fine

"under the Saharan sun"
when reading aloud one can
read it tradition style with emphasis
like "Thee" etc

and I wanted to put
"A" on the bottom finishing line
to imply that sanity has many faces
and a thousand legal definitions
depending on how good your lawyer
is

when I first read this I liked the "my" in
the last line but see that it really ecspands
the works (my ec's on my keyboard doesnt work)

Thank You

I don't feel that removing a in the first line adds much.
I can see you point with a in the last line, it would make it truer, but reduce impact.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I guess the "my" you removed must have been in last line. Only those willing to accept the absurd can be judged try sane is my take on this. Not sure if this is Haiku or Senryu as it contains elements of both( not that labeling matters). In any event it was enjoyable................stan

isn't it wonderful that even 17 syllables can reveal layers of meaning? I love poetry.

Yeah, I invited the question of form by alluding to haiku in the title, but I don't really mind what it is called.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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