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Vow of Brotherhood

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Wed, 2024-09-04 16:23

Tell me all that
Pollutes your
Mind tonight

You are no burden
Just a passenger on
A train that never
Reaches home

Misery might
Be a visitor
I will always be
Your roommate in
Any hell you live in

Turn off reality
By telling me the
Story no one
Is going to read

Spit out the taste
Of worthlessness
Digest the comfort
Of a friend that
Forest fires can’t
Turn to ashes

I will always be
The phone that
Always answers
The car that
Never runs
On empty

Promise me
You will always
Reach out
Even if darkness
Ties your arms

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-09-04 22:23

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Vow of Brotherhood" demonstrates a strong grasp of metaphorical language and emotional resonance. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The current structure, with lines of varying lengths and syllable counts, can make the poem feel disjointed or uneven. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could enhance the flow of the poem and make it more engaging to read.

Secondly, the poem could use more concrete imagery. While the metaphors used are effective, they are quite abstract. Incorporating more tangible, sensory details could make the poem more vivid and impactful.

Lastly, the poem's theme of friendship and support in times of hardship is clear, but it could be deepened or expanded upon. For example, the poem could explore why the speaker is so committed to supporting their friend, or it could delve into the friend's struggles in more detail.

In conclusion, while the poem demonstrates a strong emotional core and effective use of metaphor, it could be improved by establishing a more consistent rhythm, incorporating more concrete imagery, and deepening its exploration of its central theme.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2024-09-05 09:28

Soon...

I will tell you the story that no one is going to read. Well, maybe not...
I love this one, it reminds me that there are those who will listen to someone, someone that makes you feel like there is a person that cares about how you feel. We all need one of those. My favorite lines?
"Misery might
be a visitor,
I will always be
your roommate,
in any hell you live in."

~ Geez.
.

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Apostolos "Paul...

Thu, 2024-09-05 18:04