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The Void...

The void was wider than first appeared
Bigger and deeper than he had feared
Emptiness there, was all he could see
Sick to his soul, spewing debris

Who would know, what was happening then?
It was something quite beyond my ken
If only I had known... if he had let me in
Then I might have saved him from his sin

He disappeared, then came back one day
Wanted to know, if he’d been away
I couldn’t tell him, ‘cause I didn’t know
He’s my brother, but I didn’t see him go

I lied and said that he seemed just fine
Not real strange, just my brother, mine
I began to worry, seeing signs of stress
What would I do, if it came to the press?

I wondered how, not to deal with it
Figured I’d know if he was gone bat-shit
He slipped me a “Mickey” disappeared again
What were those pills, dissolving my pain?

Didn’t see it coming, got knocked for a loop
Sick to my stomach, had juice for poop
Now of course, the whole tale is told
‘Twas only a bad dream, come from a cold

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thought I'd have some fun with a crazy dream that I had one night while dealing with my last bad cold.
Editing stage: 

Comments

There in the void was a voice,
it spoke to me of many things
Turned my world upside down,
critters and people just gathered around
to prod my body, so i fell to the ground.
That's what I thought but a light shone
in where my eyes had been.
Was this a nasty dream
Or is reality woven so.
Was this a new heaven or a new hell.
Help me Gee to wake again
Long before I go insane.
There are men in white coats
a knocking at the door.
I cannot remember what for.
I shall retire to my bed
my world is just in shreds.
Maybe I shall awake
before the new dawn.

Now this is as a separate piece...

Yours, loving your write, Sparrow La La

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I love the flow for me there was only one line that read awkward

(Figured I’d know if he was gone bat-shit) I would write"figured I'd know if he 'had' gone bat-shit"

I loved your dream and the language used I will catch up on your other writes over the next few days I am at home doing nothing for a week I am going to spend some time here

higgliest bugs love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

just a matter of International dialect in the English language. Huh? Just saying that, to me it seems right either way. When I write, I usually have a character in mind and use the words and accent that he would use. Glad you are getting a chance to see what I've been doing. Always glad to have your opinion and crits. Nice for you to have the chance to relax a little bit. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

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