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Vincent Van Gogh (Naked Emotion, Truth and Originality) (2nd write)

Did

His

Eyes see

Earless Art

Painting sunflowers.

Bright colours sunshine seeking blooms.

There he missed the spiral galaxy hidden within?

A lover caught in the vortex of seeking relief, not seeing the inner beauty.

Painting even the plucked blooms then left them to rot away somewhere, showing the missed spiral of the universe even to his soon dead eyes.

The ladies heart could not be stolen by gifts such as his, so he was tormented even to death, that his life had become of no worth, seeking his own way to punish himself for his worthless ways, painting over the cracks of his sad life.

Now today he is worshipped as a god of beauty, yet it is a shame that his eyes did not see the things that his brush of beauty and torment pushed oil over, there covering many things his heart had not only missed but could have felt, had he been able to use words rather than the oils and paints of his era, bringing new looks to the art of capturing nature.

Number Two not in syllables but in word count:-

To

Think

Of this

That was me

Believing that Vincent was free.

He loved, he cried, and then ultimately died.

His paint flowed over virgin screed,
lumping paint,smearing the details to feed

Racked with pain, loving someone so much,
to the last breath of his tormented soul,
that cried across the sunflowers flow.

Did he ever see the spiral beauty
of the long dead flowers painted,
that in their prime, as he,
they were taken away,
to adorn wasted places of worship,
that did nothing that day.

Remember, as many do,
he painted most of his life through,
though paid for love as so many before,
a shot, a thump on the floor,
also no matter who you are
the ferryman will carry you to the far shore,
there hidden, still not seen,
the reason, his life, fields of yellow and green

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is written in a Fibonacci sequence, not sure what to di with the nought as the series starts with zero syllables. And if anyone wants to carry on the next syllable count has to be 144. I would have a go at it but it seems a little out of my sphere (but if pressed it is possible) the sequence here is 0-1-1-2-3-5-8-13-21-34-55-89 syllables in each part. Just a bit of fun I want to see others try this also, Yours Ian.T PS:- as this is for the workshop the form of the piece was Fib's, this was the over running theme no matter what Vincent did and as the Sun flower is the most beautiful expression, in that its seed head is the object of Fibs, it was just secondary about Vincent and I wonder if he ever noticed the Spiral... I have now put on a piece about the same subject but using a word count not syllables just to see what happens, sorry it is now only to 55..
Editing stage: 

Comments

I applaud your courage in experimenting a new form.
I believe your theme matches well the form. However, I felt like it to be more prose as it tends towards the end which makes me doubt if it is a poetry form.
Let's wait and see what others say.

I just want to ensure that your theme is very well chosen. I really enjoyed the story. Well done!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you for your patience with this one, the form was difficult I am not sure if at the end there is any way where 89 syllables can be put into a single entity of poetry. The next one was 144 syllables and I guess that would be out of the league of normal poetry, but I stuck at 89 there it became more of a story lol, Thanks again enjoy your evening,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I didn't even research Fibonacci as a poetic form until I read this, they are called "Fibs" [great name! grins] and few people get past the 13 syllable line.
A brave an effective attempt. The emotion is conveyed. As Rula points out it does become prose at the end, though to me the poetic values are carried by the beginning. I wouldn't push it any further.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

It was a challenge to write, you and Rula are correct.
The further into the sequence you go the more Prosey it becomes, I should have put it as Prose, but there again there is a structure in there someplace.
Is there a name for a sentence that goes on that long, also could I punctuate the last two verses more without losing the reason for such a lengthy line??
When you have said so many syllables like 8 or 13 are fine but after that how do you get away from what I have put and a stanza, where the thing is broken into several lines???
More questions!!
There is NO way past 89 syllables that I am going, I enjoyed the end product, and it appealed to me as the Spiral of the sunflower seed head has always been one of my pieces of Natures beauties.
I just wondered if Vincent ever saw that as he painted so many of them.
Thanks again Young Jess, I hope this is OK as the workshop piece from me, Yours Ian. T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

as Rula, that it becomes too much like prose in the latter part. How about writing a fib, counting the verses of each stanza instead of syllables in each line? That will be easier and will stick more to the poetic form.

But this is an enchanting piece, Ian. Really lovely...only, there wasn't much talk about it in the context of this workshop - truth and originality...I guess the courage to tackle this idea is what stands out. :D

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Thank you very much for your in depth comment, I tried to make the last two parts tell the big part of the story where Vincent gave a gift to his lady friend that didn't seem to live up to the mark, his ear as a present etc; While at the same time he carried on painting covering over the cracks.
Then in the last part where no matter what he did it didn't matter even to that last ultimate sacrifice, at the same time becoming a God to the art lovers and that he may have still lost the whole point about the write the Spiral pattern that prevails in this universe we live in.
The spiral and the number's that carry on to infinity, I still think that the spiral was the whole point where the artist even in his greatness didn't change a thing..
I read up on the Fib's and the most some go to is the ninth part where the syllable count is 34.
I just carried on till the ink ran out and Vincent had died lol..
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Haven't researched the form yet so all I know is what previous comments covered. The message is conveyed pretty clearly. Perhaps a way in which the longest lines could be made more poetic would be to use more rhyme....mabe even torn each long line into a rhyming stanza if the form permits...........I'll return after further research.........stan

I shall see if I can rearrange the last three parts into some form of better flow, but the whole thing is based on syllables sequence.
Normally these are only six lines long similar to a Haiku, but Ian went over the top so that he could finish the story and send out a challenge to the world.
The next sequence number is 144 syllables LOL.
Thanks for your read on this,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

perhaps make a rhyme between the fast and last word of the line to tie it together.

Also William's suggestion of using the Fibonacci count for verses per stanza is good, though it would mean a full re-write.

In terms of using a syllable count I think you have pushed the form about as far as it could go.

Yes, this has exceeded my expectations of my concept, Ian, thanks.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

To do as William suggested I think he meant lines per stanza, or even words per line would make it so that I would write about another subject.
As a straight yet over long Fibonacci count, this is going to have to stay as is, as you said it would be a complete rewrite and I am sure this fulfills the point of the subject.
I actually enjoyed sorting the story out, and combining it with the Fibonacci count was difficult but I completed it..
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

line equals verse, technically verse is the more correct term for a line of poetry. I know many people think verse equals stanza but that is not so.

However I agree with you, the poem as is more than fulfils the needs of the workshop and I hope it was fulfilling for you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Before Neo, verse to me here was the same as stanza, but now as you say verse applies to a line, then that will be so, the technicalities avoid me sometimes.
This was always the way Psalms were quoted as so many verses.??
Years ago when I was young and that is a long time ago I was at church each Sunday being taught these things, maybe it did me harm

I have just checked Verse on the Wiki and it says:-
Verse (poetry), a metrical structure, a stanza
What did they say to you as you are trained to a higher level in poetry ??

I think that as an exercise I shall leave this one as it is.
It was very hard putting all those words in there without a full stop.
Can we use a full stop in a Fib that allows the writer to put so many syllables in one go.
I think best left as is and just say it is a strange Fib, lol, could be a little white lie, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Either Wiki is wrong or the definition has changed since I was in high school for back then verse= line not stanza............stan

These explanations of verse contradict each other in that one says it is a line the other says it is the same as a Stanza.
Who knows which is right/write well we shall have to leave it as is ????????

A verse is formally a single metrical line in a poetic composition. However, verse has come to represent any division or grouping of words in a poetic composition, with groupings traditionally having been referred to as stanzas.
Moreover, verse has also been a traditional application in drama, which is therefore known as dramatic poetry, verse drama, or dramatic verse.
The word "verse" is commonly, though incorrectly, used in lieu of "poetry" to distinguish it from prose. Where the common unit of verse is based on meter or rhyme, the common unit of prose is purely grammatical, such as a sentence or paragraph.Prose poems and free verse, though poetry, are not verse, because they exhibit no regular patterns of rhythm.

Poetry
• Verse (poetry), a metrical structure, a stanza
• Blank verse is a type of poetry having regular meter but no rhyme
• Free verse is a type of poetry written without the use of strict meter or rhyme, but is still recognized as poetry
• Verse, an occasional synonym for poetry.
.
Both these are from Wiki so I give in, and let them teach the newer of the two, it is only since joining Neopoet that I have used the word Stanza, but will continue to do so..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I think this is a terrific effort, and one that should encourage us all out of our comfort zones. I love the madness that is attributed to Van Gogh, that sheer madnes that drove him to be unique in thought when it came to painting. I believe we should all try and find a bit of that in ourselves when it comes to poetry. I do not know enough about the structure to comment, but i will certainly come back after some research. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Your comment was so well received, it is an interesting form so as I loved the spiral in the sunflower head when the seeds were formed, then the insanity sometimes of that great artist blinded by love I often wonder if he ever saw that form,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Your originaleffort was superb.

Instead choose another conceptand write that.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

it was that the comments were talking about the repetition, but I couldn't see them, as the prime point was the Spiral and Vortex.
So I tried to do the same piece using words, I found syllables easier.
Thanks anyway, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Remember youpushed theconcept farbeyonggreaterpoets,andwell
(myspace baris not working ,Ihopeyou canunderstandthis.

InsteadIwouldlikeyouto try another concept from someone else.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Yes understood, and once again many thanks for the chance to try something new on this workshop it was great,
Yours, as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Fearlessly attacking a new form is to be commended!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I am waiting for your venture outside of your comfort zone lol.
You see it matters not what we believe in, or do at any time, the fact that we can turn our quills to poetry, or an attempt at poetry, is a thing that should be cherished.
Writing is about what we write, not who we are, or what we believe in,
Go well, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Though I think sometimes we find stories or topics that we feel only we can do justice to.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Thanks for your fast reply.
I wrote another version of the Von Gogh piece just to see what happens when you use words instead of syllables, it was all new to me but I love trying a new type of writing.
My philosophies, and spiritual writings can be very limited in their audience, when you talk of these things and then compare them to the Digit ones, it goes to show the way people like to be entertained now.
Are we an entertaining media or informative I lean toward the former.
Go well and may your God walk with you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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