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Vacationing at 20th Streest

Riddled with guilt at overcomplicating the obvious.
A hot meal and roof over your head is more than you need.
When the rain comes down, I always hear your name.
And when the thunder breaks the clouds, I always feel the same.
Tell me why this is happening again.
Although I still question the teacher who tried to teach me,
And I’m still quite unsure if it was him, or just me.
My mind ran away from itself for a time
making me someone I shouldn’t have been.
The split other side of me, had taken control.
Leaving behind an empty, hollow shell.
I lay in that dark room staring out the scarred windows,
Wondering…
What are those things out there?!
Why am I in here?!
Why do they treat me this way?!
I have been taken for granted, and these monsters outside,
well, they only wait for me, laughing.
And so, the tears fall, and I hear someone screaming.
They tell us everything is okay, yet they try to silence us from speaking.
I sleep a lot, it’s just easier.
Time is not a factor, only a record keeper for those people
who stay behind the glass door and get to keep sharp objects in their grasp.
I wonder, when does my vacation end?
I wonder, when did my vacation begin?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I would leave off the last line, it makes it more dramatic that way. Don't take my word as the final word, wait and see what the rest of the people have to say. Your title needs fixing. I understand the premise of this one. Sometimes, I would like to just go on a vacation, but the rest of me won't us. Too bad, I think it could be fun to do all those things that the rest of them want to do. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Free verse is difficult to critique. Your style has a lot of suggestions at rhythm and different ones too. I think that’s part of the draw for me. I always think I’m seeing a pattern, for two or three or four lines and then you change it up. It’s quite good and it keeps it reading like free verse poetry and not prose. I guess I sort of agree about finding a title. Nothing really captures the idea better than what you have. Maybe just “On Vaction” or “My Holiday”. I see what Geezer is saying about that last line, I’m not sure about dismissing it though. Suggestion:

“I tally the days and wonder as I count all my tears
When does my vacation end?”

Maybe it hints that your wondering when this began without the repetition of lines. There’s also something to be said for ending a poem with the word end. Little coincidence goes a long way sometimes.

Always take my criticism lightly, I’m a fan of your stuff as presented. I do however think if I heard you read the poem I’d get a better sense of the delivery you’re aiming for. Free verse is like that for me. I enjoy the writer reading it like spoken word. It leaves no room for rhythmic misinterpretation.

Keep writing, keep living, keep shining bright,
Tim

how about (Holiday, or Dark Respite for a title?) I also would leave the last line off as it is hinted at and more dramatic that way. as for pacing, timing, just read the poem out loud and you will hear any rough spots. I really like this poem, it is dark and so am I. this maybe weird, but, in these lines I got the feeling that there was something sexual or abusive going on:

My mind ran away from itself for a time
making me someone I shouldn’t have been.
The split other side of me, had taken control.

maybe that during this situation, you had a break from reality in order to escape for awhile. there are under tones of DID, too. your language usage is good. the theme is one I relate to being in a hospital, but I'm probably wrong. I like it because I am dark.

*always, Cat & eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Good one Cat! If she doesn’t want it I’ll write a poem for the title. I really like that Jordyn, consider that one it’s apt and it rolls off the tongue.

Nice work all around.
Tim

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