Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
VACATION SNAPSHOT
A balcony right on the sea
nobody here but you and me.
Music wafting to us from the pool,
for you I guess I'm still a fool.
We sit with wine glasses in hand
on the Myrtle Beach grand strand
as the dim dusk fades to night
and the stars blink into sight.
Neither of us still are kids
( in fact I know I've hit the skids )
but I still get lost in your eyes
which shouldn't take you by surprise.
So before we go to eat
we'll sit here on our shared bench seat
and watch the ocean waves roll in
savoring the love we're in.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
judyanne
Sun, 2010-11-07 01:05
beautiful stan
you boys must all be feeling lovey-dovey at the moment, all writing these love poems
and all doing such a great job i'm beginning to get a little jealous of the recipients
just one lin:
'music coming up from to us from pool'
sounds like the pool itself is making music
maybe
'music drifts up from beside the pool'?
love
judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2010-11-07 10:19
snap
I guess you get your share also lol. I knew as soon as I hit review that line 3 was wrong but at that time computer wouldn't let me edit for some reason........scribbler
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2010-11-07 10:21
snap
See above reply. Thanks as I didn't catch "night " repeat. Have rewritten now......stan
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2010-11-07 10:23
snap
Thanks Shirley. Just be sure writing hand stays in solid form lol........stan
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2010-11-07 10:14
snapshot
I agree with need to edit. Now if computer will just let me I will do so..........scribbler
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2010-11-07 10:25
snap
Praise indeed coming from you Lonnie. I assume Stan-like means full of errors lmao. Thank you for the visit.....stan
author commentNordic cloud
Mon, 2010-11-08 15:07
Oh this is lovely, what an atmosphere
Beautiful Stan. Just beautiful
Love from Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-08 17:34
snapshot
thank you Ann for coming by and leaving such a nice comment.........stan
author commentRace_9togo
Mon, 2010-11-08 18:40
Excellent
Love this tiny slice of life taken from two lives gripped by love, scribbler. It's magic, and not sentimental at all.
3rd line, first stanza, does not fit the cadence very well. I think it's "coming up" that makes it choppy. I think maybe replace "coming" and lose "up"
"rising"
"climbing"
"wafting"
"pouring" (maybe not: things pour out and down, not up)
"floating"
Just a thought.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-08 20:08
snapshot
Hmmmm..... I always value advice and will be sure to use yours in the inevitable edit. Thanks for dropping in and leaving a helpful comment......scribbler
author comment