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The Utter Inevitability of Metamorphosis

Alas alack
we may rue the day
but come what may
inactivity will not abay
change.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments

of what the word slack means to you Aussies, but it doesn't seem to be the right word here. It sounds like a forced line to me. How about, [ We change in how we stack ] ?

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and the idea of a very short poem to express, especially Alas alack. As above the last line does not fit into the meter of the poem within the rhyme scheme for me, and I'm not sure of the world slack.
For Americans it's like to "give me a break" as in "cut me some slack"..
Short poems and Haiku's are so hard, I think it's great you're doing them; they require certain leaps of faith! I would try to tighten this up a bit more, and I think only in the last line. Aloud, I have to pause at "change" , and make "no matter the slack" like a 5th line.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

"no matter how cracked"? ( i know this changes your intent, but I couldn't resist)
like Eumolpus suggested, its own 5th line

I'm sure your original last line is logically sound from your perspective
but it did bug me from mine. I think I know what you mean, but I have to twist my mind like a contortionist to get there.

great title and idea.
don't you hate it when this happens?

...and the beat goes on,

Al

thanks all,
what do you think of this?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

ne

save up so many words we've got to get them out somewhere.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

oo

Using "overused" terms/phrases for effect? Not sure if I'm feeling it, but do love the brevity. Will get back to you after a little more reading.

Kelsey

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dealing with a serious subject, which is very, very difficult to bring off.
I don't think it warrants more attention though, thanks Kelsey.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

That makes perfect sense. I definitely know the dilemma of trying to figure out how best to phrase and approach difficult things in my academic writing. And you know I want to go on and on so that I can explain every bit in explicit detail so that the writing is accessible to everyone, but that just doesn't fly sometimes with my professors. Sometimes they do want me to write to them and ignore other potential audiences and then sometimes they warn that writing to the professor is a dangerous game. At the end of the day I want my "A" so if I have to do a little bit of writing to what the professor wants, I'm doing it!

When that happens being straightforward about the difficult stuff is easy because I know they can handle it and sometimes appreciate more forward writing because students often skirt around topics so much or just use circumlocution to try to fulfill the essay length requirement.

Either way, if you decide you want to explore this one more later, I love the abrupt ending and the contrast between the longer title and the brief poem so I think those should stay.

Kelsey

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