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untitled

Submitted by emptiness on Sun, 2015-02-01 13:21

which gate doth now
circumnavigate the heavens
your beauty is its undoin'
from the moment I looked at you
these gates your beauty has torn down
my eye's have beheld the gate's ruin

Steven Zoric

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lovedly

Mon, 2015-02-02 23:49

lovedly's picture

you state you are untitled!

such lovely poetry sprouts from you
what will others do
when they welcome you

you are a cast gem
ask jess
here i stand
not to welcome you ....
you need no introduction
with what for neos
''maiden''show
in heaven
here you do!

emptiness

Tue, 2015-02-03 18:03

emptiness's picture

Thank you lovedly... <3

author comment

judyanne

Tue, 2015-02-03 11:29

judyanne's picture
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A great write to start off with.

I have one suggestion
I can see that you wrote undoin' to try to rhyme it with ruin
But I think the near rhyme works ok - undoing / ruin...
Your poem is powerful enough to not need a rhyme anyway

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

emptiness

Tue, 2015-02-03 18:02

emptiness's picture

Thank you judyanne... <3

author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2015-02-03 18:59

Sparrow's picture
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The words of the heart are good and you have put power in them, I look forward to reading more of your works as you grow,
Yours Ian.T

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Unconditional love to you all.
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Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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