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Untitled
I've laid here for thirty years,
and watched the moon
on the curve of your breast
stirring in me the primal urge
Thus ardour was born
and my hands sweat
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Seren
Fri, 2023-02-10 22:16
Dear L
I love how you love your Jane, she's a lucky woman
I would've put
Stirring me in the primal urge
Not sure if it should be
Thus ardour was/is born
Why didn't you post the other one you showed me? That is an absolutely brilliant poem. Or are you still crafting it?
I love this other than those two small things I adore this little snippet.
Bring on tomorrow and your next wooot!
Love Always to you both OJ xox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Lightning Dust
Fri, 2023-02-10 22:24
Hi OJ
Sweet Jaynie you didn't have to come read straight away! Naughty!
I will look over those two things you've mentioned it's boss to finally get feedback and help.
Thanks for taking the time to come read this especially knowing your situ.
Love L & J
author commentSeren
Fri, 2023-02-10 22:38
Sweets
It's the least I could do given that I lured you away from that other place hahahaha don't worry I am OK.
Oh hon you take what suggestions you think are relevant and just ignore any you don't like. That's the beauty of Neo, people don't get all uppity if you don't use their ideas.
I was surprised to read this to be honest it's totally unlike anything you've written before. I have had the privilege of watching you grow from a roses are red kind of poet.
Love ya OJ
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Lightning Dust
Sat, 2023-02-11 00:26
Thanks for the advice. Let me
Thanks for the advice. Let me know how today goes.
Love L & J
author commentSeren
Sat, 2023-02-11 11:34
You know if you need anything
You know if you need anything you only have to ask. The service was beautiful. I'm just emotionally drained yanno?
Much love always OJ xox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Seren
Sun, 2023-02-12 10:32
Dear LD
I actually like Lovedly's title see what you think.
love to you both OJ xox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Lightning Dust
Sun, 2023-02-12 12:29
Oi I like yours too. I'll
Oi I like yours too. I'll give it some thought and change it in the daylight. How's your head I hope you're getting some rest chick!
Love ya guts L&J
author commentSeren
Fri, 2023-02-10 22:18
talismanic sweat
For the title.
Don't ask lol
Love OJ xox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Lightning Dust
Fri, 2023-02-10 22:26
I'll see if anyone else has
I'll see if anyone else has any thoughts about the title, that's if anyone else reads it LOL
I like your suggestion though! Hmm
Love L & J
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2023-02-11 05:18
hello Lightining Dust,
I like Jayne's suggestion for the title. my only thought on feedback, is to spell out (thirty) and lose 30. as it looks better. also you might change "watching" to watched. but I'm not sure about that one. I'd wait to see what our Geezer has to say on it.
Hey!...it is very nice to meet you! I hope you will stick around here. you are very welcome! thank you for the feedback on my poem... we can always use another good poet around here, the darker the better. I loved your poem!
*ever eddy styx
I hope eddy wasn't too much. I really like your poem. I agree with eddy's and Jayne's suggestions. I usually pick out my favorite lines of the poem and quote them back to the poet. in this case, I find the whole poem exquisite! welcome!
*hugs, Cat
* p.s.
eddy styx is my malignant, murderous, MALE alter ego who writes dark poetry.
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Lightning Dust
Sun, 2023-02-12 12:18
Hello Cat
I love your handle! Thanks for the advice on 30 I will change it. I have a habit of doing that I need to stop doing it. I like her suggestion as well I read the other comment I also like Thirty Years.
I was trying to write in the moment I don't know about the watched or watching either I will give it some thought.
Jaynes told me you're good people so it's bloody nice to meet you too! I like it here I like the workshop side of things I met J on another site about 10yrs ago they just pat you on the back and say good boy and I'm looking to improve my stuff. It wasn't working for me there and when Jayne said try it here I had nothing to lose. Eddy is good with me I love Poe I'm into darker poetry. I have an alter as well. His names chopper.
Cat thanks for both your suggestions and praise ya made this old boy blush. My wife is a champion she's my best friend and usually when I am not writing darker stuff? I write about her.
.
Hugs back at ya Latham.
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2023-02-11 12:04
Myself?...
I would use [watched]. Maybe you meant it as though; "It stirs in me, a primal urge". Or "Watching the moon on the curve of your breast, stirs in me, a primal urge." However, you like it, I liked this one for the brevity, yet the idea that this is a relationship of long standing. Nice work, welcome to Neo. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Lightning Dust
Sun, 2023-02-12 12:25
Hello Geezer
Thanks for that advice. I think I'll go with the collective on this one. Watched it is. I'll play with that other line see if I can smooth out the edges. Me and the missus have been together 30yrs this month. She's another Jane. Your Sis OJ told me you are good people I am stoked you like this poem.
Thanks for the welcome I am enjoying it here. The workshop is what I need to improve my poems. Jayne said come on over and I haven't been back to the other place. My time limited due to my work. I'm an engineer.
Cheers bloke it's boss to meet the Gee that Jaynes told me so much about.
Latham.
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2023-02-13 09:22
Thanks Mate...
Jayne said she had a poet or two hidden about, so glad to meet you too! I sincerely hope that you like it here and I will be looking forward to your posts. Nicely done here. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Sat, 2023-02-11 12:30
If you can swallow my terse words
I'd title it as
''THIRSTY YEARS''
and remove the ...and
also spell check
thirty as in poetry 30 feels absurd
But if you insist on 30
where can you expect ardour
Ah long wait
I couldn't wait more than thirty seconds
when young ...
decades since....
Nice knowing
you both are Aussies
I can add to my List
incl many more I know
one was JESS
did you know
Lightning Dust
Sun, 2023-02-12 12:28
Hello Lovedly
Give it to me straight man it's the best way to be. I will change the 30 and I will think about the title. I like both suggestions. Hmm what to do aha!
Nice to meet you cheers for reading my scribbles
Cheers Latham
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2023-02-12 13:46
Yeah
Whoooeee. Magnificent. Astounding. Incendiary.
Tim
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-02-12 21:26
Hi Lightening
Welcome to Neo! Well done! This leaves some to the imagination....
~RoseBlack~