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(untitled)

I’m always trying,
but i can’t keep up with lying.
I guess this is it,
just let me lie in this pit.

I'm up in the astral plane
looking down on you
i see visions of us,
with only you in my view
its nothing new,
because i always knew.

was it too good to be true?
this feeling i felt with you,
i saw nothing but blue.

just hit me with a tear
i'm reaching for air,
but you’re barely there.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
this was a poem i made back in march 2020. i fixed it up a bit but still having trouble with structure and punctuation...also if you have any title suggestions, feel free to send them my way! i found a whole bunch of old poems from 2020 and 2019 and it makes me sad because ive lost my creativity and flow due to struggling with mental health. i hope sharing these will get me back into the groove, thanks for reading. <3
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

How ‘bout for the title: “Rarified Atmosphere” Just an idea...

I got the feeling of morose with this relationship. Well put.

I would suggest that you put the “events” In the poem in a slightly different order, somewhat more chronological. That would polish it up nicely. Don’t throw anything out, just put things in a more progressing sequence.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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that sounds like a good title! also thank you for the feedback, ill try and fix it up

author comment

this piece is good//// just edit it ...eg I've ....I'm
and such like.

READ AT LEAST TEN POEMS here and you will be a winner
if you comment on each
they all will also teach
best of reach
poetry just comes*

(title as you wish
it's your emotion
why the commotion)

*like tides in a beach
rhyme I beseech

i appreciate your comments, i learn and smile while reading them haha

author comment

but I think that you have discovered that the person of your dreams doesn't seem to feel the same way about you as you do them? It happens. You did well with the thought process, if not a little vague. That does seem to have a bit of appeal here though; It gives it the feel of the distance you've discovered between yourselves. I like it! I would consider a title like: "Distant"
As I've said before; read a lot of poetry, here and elsewhere. You will get the sense of rhythm and pace. I think you will find plenty of subjects that interest you. I agree with Ray; you should put the stanzas in a more chronological order. Maybe like this?
The first lines should be the six lines; "I'm up in the astral-plane...
The second lines: should be the first four, after that, I think it doesn't matter. Such nice work! You have a great grasp of mood. ~ Geezer.
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