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UNQUIET SLEEP

Eyes are closed
Ears are dimed
The mind's slowing deep in the sleep
The soul still awake
Though that's a dream kind of

Some dreams are foresacken
Such that body can't be taken
Like fighting and playing
Running or walking
It just depends on the act
Singing or shouting
Talking or subbing
Perhaps groaning aloud
One might be tearing apart

At dawn been awake but weak
Body painfully and aching
I have journeyed beyond the physical.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Most of the time we sleep but can't resting but it's based on what so ever reason.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I think that your title is a little unclear, and could be improved upon. I could relate to the body of your poem because I am an insomniac and have to use sleeping pills. even then I don't feel real rested, as I wake up several times in the night. your language communicates how you feel.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I do something about the title right away

author comment

I do something about the title right away

author comment

how about: "Unquiet Sleep"? just a suggestion

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

That's a nice suggestion thanks so much

author comment

this one seems a little disjointed. "Ears are dime"? ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

To that too, it's a nice suggestion thank you all so much

author comment

first line why not use eyes are closed
second line ears are dimmed
third line into
I would drop the kind of in the fourth line
either for I have journeyed or for one has journeyed
see if you like the flow any better
these are only suggestions

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

Thanks so much that is another good suggestion from you I appreciate your support

author comment

would bring the piece to a new power.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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I really appreciate you family for all the suggestions form you guys thank so much.

author comment

I really appreciate you family for all the suggestions form you guys thank so much.

author comment

how about: "Fitful Sleep" ?

always, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Well appreciate that I think it's ok with the first tittle for it fit the body, thank you for your concerns.

author comment
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