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unforgiven

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Wed, 2012-06-13 01:58

Unforgiven
--
Over my face, my hat hung low
to hide the side a few would know
drinkin' in uncandle lit space
my hat hung low over my face
-
justice was lost and justice done
I owned a pound and lost a ton
no outlaw saw the lawman's cost
justice done and justice lost
-
a woman's love, the trump card held
of twenty men, eighteen were felled
I stood wounded as did Jack Cove
the trump card held, a woman's love
-
through gunsmoke and blood, my eyes saw
fair Rosita in Cove's maimed claw
"Drop them irons now in the mud"
My eyes saw, through gunsmoke and blood
-
His Colt pressed hard against her back
My twitch would surely launch attack
I dropped my guns down in the yard
against her back his Colt pressed hard
-
In this foul game, I held no fight
Cove's rope pulled around my neck tight
For Rosita I'd fall to shame
I held no fight in this foul game
-
Cove had a win, a rival beat
a flaming board he picked for heat
he pressed the embers in my skin
a rival beat, Cove had a win
-
In flame my face burned to the bone
Rosita screamed and water thrown
Cove shot her dead shouting my name
my face burned to the bone in flame
-
Shadows smiled burnt teeth exposed
Cove living west safe and composed
I live dead for revenge exiled
burnt teeth exposed shadows smiled
-

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a swap quatrain poem. I'm pretty sure the form's right and I like the kind of 'Gothic western' feel to it. I don't feel it's reached it's full potential yet.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-06-13 03:45

Ian.T's picture
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Not sure on this one, the form is out of my reading, so I pass on that one. The story becomes lost then found again, the very first Stanza put the whole piece on edge for me:-

"Over my face, my hat hung low
to hide the side a few would know
drinkin' in uncandle lit space
my hat hung low over my face"

Would it not be better to use "Hangs" in the first line,
Then "Hiding the side a few would know"
Then line four would be:- "My hat hangs low over my face"
Secrets of vision at the start, and a fear of being seen.
I will leave the other lines as the story unfolds and consistent form is followed.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

BlueDemon77

Wed, 2012-06-13 04:59

BlueDemon77's picture

Hi Ian,
Your suggestion would work, I chose hung because I was trying to instill the subliminal gallows imagery, but if I changed hung to hangs in both places, It would still be consistant in form and tense. The man's face is badly burned in the story he tells so he would be easily recognized. I'll give some of your suggestions a try and see if it helps any of the problems I have with it. The one thing I do disagree with is that the story is lost, he's hanging his head drinking, he tells the story, then he's still sitting there drinking, planning on killing Cove to avenge Rosita and it ends with that dramatic tension. That his life is as over as hers because revenge is his only reason for living. Thanks for the frank feedback, I will try to revise it using some of your suggestions.
Thanks Ian

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

China Blue

Fri, 2012-06-15 23:46

China Blue's picture
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I don't know I liked the use of hung
quite an image that alone produces
but then we had this discussion in chat
gray fedora

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

BlueDemon77

Sat, 2012-06-16 18:54

BlueDemon77's picture

Yeah, my shoulder holster is tight enough to cause a slight bruise, that way I know it's always there. Uh oh, there's a black sedan acting suspicious, I better go, I think I'm being tailed....hehe. Thanks Chrys!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-06-17 03:09

Ian.T's picture
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Have reread this one and read the comments, now I hung up my guns and just sit in the corner not to far from the spittoon so that my old dribbling's can be dispensed with.
It becomes more clear now to my mind that the story is good as the whiskey wears off and I can think straight whatever that thinking thing is, great having a bad memory as I can be excused with ease, and I am sticking to it LOL
Have a great day out there, Yours Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-06-18 00:06

BlueDemon77's picture

Most appreciated. I'm contemplating a sequel....hehe.

Ron
Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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