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Under my Cover

You’ll won’t dare leave here
This canopy your savior
This wretched edifice
That secrets your dignity
And clothes you with honour

You’ll wont dare leave here
Not now, not this night
Not to be tossed around this hungry wolves
Deceitful and cunning are men
But my advice you must abide.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Change "You'll won't" to "You'll not", and see what you think?
I do not understand the reference to wolves, either. I'm guessing that it is connected to the deceit and cunning of men, but it does not read that way.
I like the title,
Your language use need some improvement - and don't tell me it doesn't! Some of the best poets on Earth are Nigerian, and they write better english than I do!
I like the cadence, and it will improve with the above changes I recommend.
The beginning and ending are good,
The internal logic needs a bit of improvement, as per my above comments.
This is good poetry. Keep it coming.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

you are dealing with very strong metaphors which is great, it is a leap into the poetic universe to expression. There are a lot of grammar issues that I perceive, which might be the result of the idioms used around you. This is true of Carribean poems in English as well as Nigerian...even the difference between that of the Irish and American. Or the street language used in the black communities of the US. So I'm not judging, but agree to start the poem with "You'll won't" would be a distraction to most readers. The only way I can think of having control over grammar is to read aloud- poetry, prose, the newspaper.
You have nicely created an idea in this poem, but I would like to ask you about the word "wretched". why is the building so, being the protector and a safe haven against the world of hungry wolves?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Only if she can take your advice and look at it as her savior, it's so cool

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