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Unbridled Desire

out for repairs

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

i particularly like your opening 6 lines...scent is almost
a tactile sense...can bring a scenario to life.

"unbridled desire"
a very apt title, yet i can't help but think a little pedestrian
for this write. you write some kick-arse titles at times, and i just
feel you could come up with something more inventive
the only hic-up for me, was the mix of tenses; ceased, wished,
in a poem that otherwise, read as, in the moment.
i'd be inclined to bring it all into present tense...seems to add to
the immediacy and intimacy.

this is elegantly erotic s.
unhurried, yet still, that sense of urgency
that comes with "unbridled passion" is there.

just re-read..."gently caress"...nothing wrong as is, just
a term i think is too commonly used...too mediocre for
this write imo... perhaps a more unique
way of expressing?...merely a thought

this makes me think of slow, deep lovemaking, but
with that underlying urgency that comes with it...
not easy to do erotica without sounding cliched
or simply crass...for me, it's a genre of writing that
needs a deft touch...show, not tell.
you have shown that touch here.

brava s
the more i read this, the more i like it, and
appreciate the restrained hand you showed in
writing it
lovely lines throughout

cheers
p

Thanks for all your ideas I really appreciate your honesty I knew when I posted this one it wasnt as good as some of my earlier stuff ... I will do some work on it

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

At one time I believed your were destined to be a great poet. Is it your life? Are you listening to jaded lecturers?

This is nice but no-where near your best work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I believe your wrong, and it was pointed out to me I would never be a great poet, since then I write for myself not for the audience ... I should add it broke my heart but I came to terms with that many months ago :)

regards JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

This has come out nearly Clichéd, or as a not so good copy of your previous venture into the erotic world, it seemed to lose some of it's meanings.
Did I say that? I am agreeing with Jess on the content of this one, here you have abridged the feelings to an action man type of description.
I know that the words from your pen are far better, now I feel shit.
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Sorry it made you feel like shit, now I feel like shit too :(

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I felt shit because I had to say this one wasn't up to your usual works, that will be only short lived I expect, you know I read all of your poetry and have since those first days.
Don't want you to go down any road except the one of newness and excitement. Yours AS ALWAYS Ian x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

sorry I misunderstood lol I seem to be doing that a lot today, it still needs some work I will have a go at editing it tomorrow not in the mood tonight

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment

I will send the children to play sleepy byes and heavy eyes to you lol Take care have a lovely Rest, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

See how I go eh ? its going to be another one of those weeks smiles big hugs

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

author comment
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