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Uluru Dreaming

Submitted by judyanne on Sat, 2012-08-25 11:41

try taste the shades of sunshine, drink in the changing hue
that tint the aura outline surrounding Uluru
there see the desert sing soft, while painting in review
the Dreamtime and its secrets, from red to violet blue

eternal in the Dreaming, before and after end
a record of creation, deep in landscape penned
there, too, resides life’s sacredness in every groove and bend
communicate with spirits when touching them my friend

in future, past and present, a monolithic record
of deeds of great archetypal beings, who ever-create evermore
and where begins all knowledge, from which the laws accord
the totems of existence chant, intone, eternal encore

surpassing reason, ken, I know, but still I am aware
that time and time again, it’s happening over there
the past and future live and breathe within the now right here
ancestor-tribal essences permeate the air

within the shades of sunshine, within the changing hue
within the aura outline surrounding Uluru
the desert softly sings a song, while painting in review
the Dreaming’s secret business, from red to violet blue
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-08-25 21:16

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This poem paints a more potent portrait than any postcard or painting ever could. Superb.

My only quibble is
ever-create evermore
does that not read a little awkward to you?

Oh, for our overseas friends, Uluru used to be called Ayres Rock, it is the largest monolith in the world, standing straight up out of the desert and has profound spiritual significance to the indigenous people. I'm sure you've seen pictures, if not Google Images.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Sun, 2012-08-26 09:44

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I’m so glad you like this

yes – ‘ever create evermore’ – I know it’s awkward, but ‘creating evermore’, within the text of those two lines, gives me the effect of it finished, whereas it is a continuous thing - ongoing … I’m not sure what to do with it, but I’m working there

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Rula

Sun, 2012-08-26 10:23

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Honestly I couldn't pick a favourite stanza but the opening and the closing lines are really great! May be I loved the sense of romance there..

like jess I just find the rhyme a little off there but can't suggest an alternative. I still hope the work shop can help me to offer a suggestion(s) :)

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judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 01:42

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yes that line bothers me, but i want to effect that it is continuously happening, ever being created, that the job's never done

i've been thinking it might work with a comma 'creating, evermore'

thanks so much for your very supportive comments
love judy xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Nordic cloud

Sun, 2012-08-26 16:01

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Oh stamp those feet and sound the song
that paints the sunsets all along
and patterns red and orange rocks
with dreamed existence's that shock
the purple dust that rises in the bush
reflected in the banksia and thorn
your poem conjures up for me the essence
of wild Australia's breathe before the dawn.

The dawn of civilisation, of life on that
vast unexplored continent, where you live.
I too tripped up on the ever,
why not just 'creating evermore'

Favourite lines:-
"there see the desert sing soft, while painting in review

the Dreamtime and its secrets, from red to violet blue"

and the variation later "the desert softly sings a song"

"resides life’s sacredness in every groove and bend

communicate with spirits when touching them my friend"

I slightly tripped up on the rhythm here and there too,
but loved reading it and sensing it, and seeing it all
spread out in your painting of a poem judyanne.

Nordic cloud/annanya

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 01:51

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thank you very much for the lovely comments

yes - that line
i want to establish that it is an ongoing creation, never finished. i'm thinking of using a comma, that might help .. but still thinking on a different way to say it

lol - i'll check out the rhythm (lol - i'm a perfectionist for that.. which lines in particular tripped you up?)

love judyanne
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Mon, 2012-08-27 02:27

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If you've seen it your a lucky person, because this is beatifully desciptive poetry. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 08:48

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i have only seen it from the air
but i know the colours, and i was trying as well to give a sense of the aboriginal dreamtime belief...

i am very glad you enjoyed it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-08-27 02:31

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A beautiful picture.
May I suggest "Ever evolving creation" for the line that is having a rough time..
More of these would make a lovely art gallery,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 08:49

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but then i lose the rhyme...

thanks for the lovely and supportive comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-08-27 09:29

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Sorry I had not put it with the line of writing where you had the three words I have used, these can be played with until you have it right.
"of deeds of great archetypal beings, who ever-create evermore
"Ever evolving creation"
Turn it around "creation evolved evermore"
Evolves even ??
Take care I will leave it in your hands, Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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