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Turmoil
You ask for forgiveness
While sticking the knife in my back
Crouched down, waiting
For the next attack
Every step I take
Is on broken glass
Bleeding; watching
Fear I cannot fake
Your words are insulting
Every threat I hope is the last
Your dilusions twist me
Suffocating me in their grasp
Alas, no one can hear me
Your voice is too loud
I am fading, losing my grip
Why can't you let me be?
Is there anyone out there,
Who can make this stop?
Can anyone help me?
I have lost myself
My God, death has to be better than this
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Made some changes- any suggestions?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Esker
Sun, 2017-03-26 23:33
under fire
crouched
good writing Carrie
got that sensation
nailed.....
been in the trenches
a while ago
but I remember
that vibbing feeling
the animal of survival
within the marrow of
man and woman that
exists beyond existance
one more day
one more morning
one more evening
when ever the lull
emerges from the
hell of the din
had a look at the rhyme
and come back to it later...
thank U!
W
lonlyhrtsclub13
Mon, 2017-03-27 08:06
Thank you
Mr. Wolf. I look forward to your critique as rhyme is something i need to improve upon, despite my distaste for it in most cases.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentKeith Logan
Mon, 2017-03-27 05:48
Did you know my mother?
You have well described the last few months of her life. She eventually died from the continued abuse and somehow or other my father got away with it. I was five when this happened. His delusions stemmed from unreasonable jealousy.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
lonlyhrtsclub13
Mon, 2017-03-27 08:04
Keith
I am sorry for your loss and in such a tragic way. I do feel very much alone in this process, he said/she said types of things. There are days where i even doubt myself and wonder if i was really that terrible. I feel so numb because its neverending, the pursuit remains....
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2017-03-27 10:12
I know...
that rhyme can be intimidating and many people avoid it. I applaud your efforts.
I don't want to re-write your whole poem for you. You will never learn that way. I will say that you need to watch your syllable count and that will help you. Try taking apart your sentences and rearranging them so that you still have the same meaning and don't be afraid to delete words or whole sentences if you can not fit them in to the pattern and syllable count. I undertook to re-write the last stanza for you as a way to show you what I mean.
But there is no one to hear me
No someone to kiss
I beg you, please help me
Death might be better than this
I found this one to be the most challenging and tried hard to keep the same meaning.
Good luck with the rest of this poem. BTW, I found the near rhyme of last and grasp to be very good, just try to work with the count. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lonlyhrtsclub13
Mon, 2017-03-27 11:53
Thank you
I will try this and see how it plays out. Trying new things. Being a non conformist hasn't gotten me very far so i am trying to learn the acceptable ways of doing things, to include writing properly
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentKeith Logan
Tue, 2017-03-28 01:11
What you say
Carrie about being a non conformist, I never saw the point of that, nor equally of being a conformist. I am simply me and have no interest in how others view me. Now as to using that description in poetic terms, I am of the opinion that cannot work as a starting point. One must first learn the rules before one can break them.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
lonlyhrtsclub13
Mon, 2017-03-27 16:44
I like this
When i get home tonight, i will rework that verse
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentKeith Logan
Tue, 2017-03-28 01:30
Hi Carrie
OK, let me also have a play with that second verse.
It is on broken glass
my every step I take.
I bleed and watch life pass
in fear I cannot fake.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines