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Trinket Pool
elephant Welsh
mustard ferry clout
scorpion bamboo
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words:
This is my view point of a day enjoying the sea air
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Lavender
Wed, 2020-07-22 14:32
Trinket Pool
Hello, Susan!
Welcome, as I see that you are new to Neopoet! I am fascinated by this poem, especially since it is Eastern structure - brief and full of imagery. I will need to visit again and spend more time with it after a bit. But wanted to jump in to say that I am very intrigued - at first read, it reminds me of an old charm bracelet I once had. I hear a whimsical chime. Will return!
Thank you!
Lavender
Gracy
Wed, 2020-07-22 21:35
Hi Susan and welcome to
Hi Susan and welcome to neopoet. I like your structured poem, but not too sure what you mean. Your way of enjoying the sea air? The ferry makes me think of a port or a crossing. Not sure about the elephant and the Welsh part.
I'll return, your piece intrigues me. All the best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
Susan N Aassahde
Thu, 2020-07-23 05:32
Thank You
Thank you for the feedback, I have recently started writing haiku and, I am experimenting with syllable count; I am trying to connect images, the sea air as the elephant is running on the beach, thank you again!
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2020-07-23 09:13
Without...
your explanation, I would never have connected any of those words. Try being a little less enigmatic. ~ Geezer.
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Teddy15
Thu, 2020-07-23 09:36
Dear susan
Welcome to neopoet,
So I played around a bit to show you an example of a senryu/ haiku you should Google you will learn a lot
Haiku is images
Senryu is emotion
In keeping your theme.as much as I could I have shown an example, which I would call senryu as the elephant is playing, I hope this helps,
your title trinkets, to me means an object of little worth but valuable to you, (Welsh) I don't know why?
Elephant washing
With Mustard coloured water
Bamboo on his head
5 7 5
Practise makes perfect and you are here so it's a great start
Thank you...Teddy