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Tribute in nine

1.
slow waltz in slippers
gramophone croons whispers
rocks waves soft blue sea

hall walled with rubbish
papers ten years old
stale news stairway/ somebody’s heaven

it’s like… holding a moth/buzzing wings/candle burnt /fragile bony softness
green
apple breath

somewhere a cabbage oozes in darkness

2.
hands shaky as a fit/ slaps lipstick
near her mouth/misses it

3.
stained dress
cocktail hour/bumps smoker’s lips

4.
tears:
daughter on the phone
vibrations of dislike

mutually accepted

5.
hair bounces doggedly unbowed
unbrushed unwashed defiant

storm clouds gather

6.
daughter preaches
hospitalisation medication psychotics sedation urination
constipation
neurology pathology psychology

alcohol induced dementia: Korsakov’s

finally hagiography- study of saints -
herself

7.
lined in a thousand places
smile at me
honey from the wild bee

8.
drugged with good behaviour
skinned of sin
black eyed open mouthed

outside the moon

9.
I paint shadows
charcoal chalk
death bed monochrome silk

I remember her vibrant

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I have been away for a while - lots happening, good, interesting, and challenging +++. This is a tribute I have had on the back burner for about four years. It started off by being quite light hearted but became more somber as I re-wrote and looked back. Korsokoff''s is alcohol induced dementia and I do not mean to be dismissive of the daughter and her plight coping with her mother and such a complicated illness (in case any of you are coping with such things) but in all things in life, it is hard not to take sides!
Editing stage: 

Comments

a hot sun like a fire of solstice ghosts...
I like your poem
the word lines
the numbering of its paragraph
and order of phrases..

thank You!

So good to be back and seeing all your faces again and all the poetry flourishing. what i love about neopoet is that it makes you want to write and engage. Wonderful

Jenifer

author comment

Fucking great poem too.
I simply don't have it in me to quibble about any word choices right now, the gestalt is effective.

I look forward to more.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

So good to be writing again and always love your forthright comments!

Jenifer

author comment
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