Read this carefully again Eddie. I got the poem and love it. Some real brilliance here, but some of the sentences don't quite make sense. Punctuation, spelling, missing words... I don't know. It didn't gel which made me mad because what I got was bitchin', but I feel like I'm missing a tenth of it.
"Life and death are just our common trend." That is poetry friend.
wesley

Previously it felt as though every third stanza left me shaking my head. It wasn't the imagery. The poem worked in both this and the other version, but too many sentences were ill phrased making me work through them as though I had to "read between the lines" to understand. Sometimes I think it an imaginative use of language if you can make me "think" I'm slipping between the lines getting something hidden from other readers, but if the reader actually has to do this you will lose them. Readers are lazy (I know, I am one). Make me feel like I'm working without actually working and I'll follow where you lead.
This is infinitely much clearer. I think I've whined at you in the past about not proofreading your stuff enough. I wish you would. It is such a small gift to give the hard work of producing a poem.
For example (you knew this was coming), stanza three, line one should end with "know" not "known" and stanza six, last line I believe you want "staring" as in looking. "starring" means an actor in a feature role.
I'll give you one more secret I've learned recently then leave you alone. I find the more emotional the poet and poem, the more a good proofread is required. My poetry is precise, but (with the exception of my epic) most of it is not particularly emotional. I always proofread, but don't often find things to fix in my small poems. In my epic, an emotional bombast of a thing, proofreading often takes me as long as the early drafts.
Maybe you could think about that.
Thanks for cleaning up the poem. I take it as a personal favor for me.
wesley

... really would be a special favor to me. There are few things in the poetry submitted by talented people on this and other sites that makes more frustrated. To read something of grace and elegance that is riddled by completely avoidable flaws is a tragedy.
wesley