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tremors above sidon

Tyre tire Taiye
tied twin swim glimpse
shrimp accord cord beyond discord
cut cloth pair

Sidon of litho-
sphere Tyre
telegram span sprawl
guilloches flower head
necklaces trailing plaited trusses
perfume burner antique
branches of this type
possibly pair to the offered lot
Sheppard amongst ruined castle
coloured glazed frames, variegated sand
crocheted spires arched tops blaze
mount leaf-cast lack parquetry satinwood
marquetry satin wood
drapery treads garlands of husk

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
in my home country in Nigeria there is a myth that if one twin dies before birth they become a god, but carefully the imagery i see of this god like figure is nature both hibernating itself to magnificent repose and beautiful picturesque, that is where i draw this theme, Taiye and Kehinde locally refer to the name of twins in my country
Editing stage: 

Comments

I have to say this has some lines that are distinguishable but it lacks cohesion, I would take this back to the drawing board and rework it, I love the story in your last few words, I would love to see that story reflected more in the poem.

I hope I haven't been too harsh, so sorry if I have been and if others get it and I don't well then we will know I am just dull lol you know it has just struck me I think it has way too much imagery say more show less maybe ?

I will be back to see what you make of this one I will watch the edits...

regards Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Clever tongue twisting, but has no soul...where's the voice? What do you want to say?

Ells

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