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Treasure Map...
Shivers breeze and then away
pearls strung out for eyes
Too late, the hesitation now
tracing flames down velvet thighs
She feels the fire licked feathers
stroke her lovely skin
The scent of love lies snugly
in the bed within
Spilled treasure glistens wetly
a map of jewels is found
but pleasure will not wait here
for love to come around
The trail of tears follows them
as realization hits
A moment's indiscretion
has torn a friendship all to bits
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers], Stan. ~ Geez.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
New York State - USA
Favorite Poets
Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
scribbler
Sat, 2023-01-28 10:33
Hmmmm.....
"tunnels of her nose".....somehow doesn't seem to fit. Maybe chambers instead?
Geezer
Sat, 2023-01-28 17:53
Thank you...
Scribbler, I was on the fence about that line. I thought I should wait to see what remarks and comments I got, before messing with that one. Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers]. ~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentRoseBlack
Sat, 2023-01-28 13:34
This seems familiar
I like the imagery and emotion. Well done.
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Sat, 2023-01-28 17:49
I got the idea...
from Seren, from something she wrote, and I had it half-made up before I actually wrote it down.
Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2023-01-28 16:04
hello Geezer,
instead of tunnels, maybe nostrils? or breath ways? the rest of the imagery is great. no other suggestions.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sat, 2023-01-28 17:56
Yeah...
Scribbler suggested [chambers] and I went with that, as it had the closest meaning. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentTriskelion
Sun, 2023-01-29 13:18
Nose...
..drop it altogether and rewrite the line it with another word that rhymes. Nose doesn't fit in that poem at all.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Geezer
Sun, 2023-01-29 15:40
I took...
your suggestion to rewrite that line and did a little more, by switching stanzas around too. I think it is much better now. ~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentTriskelion
Sun, 2023-01-29 16:06
Wow
..that opening line is a real grabber now! I think you are right, moving the stanzas around was a solid move.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Geezer
Sun, 2023-01-29 18:10
Thank you...
I saw that after you showed me where it was wrong. ~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentLavender
Sun, 2023-01-29 16:17
Treasure Map
Wow! Really love the revision! This went from a little sensual to "Whoa Nelly!" And then the ending --almost makes me cry.
L
Geezer
Sun, 2023-01-29 18:14
Thank you...
It only goes to show, a little critique can make a piece better. Thank you all!
~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2023-01-29 16:46
hey Geezer...
it is much more solid now...I like it too! (eddy styx)
I agree, *hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sun, 2023-01-29 18:15
Thank you both...
I think that it is much better now, that the intent is clear. ~ Geez.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
author commentSeren
Mon, 2023-01-30 01:02
Dearest Bro
Is this inspired by something else maybe? Lol well I am off for a shower. Seems the humidity just went through the roof here phew.
This is beautifully and tastefully done.
Bravo
Love & Higgliest bugs Sis xox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Geezer
Mon, 2023-01-30 06:21
Ummmm...
could be. Thanks to all the great feedback I got, it turned out better than I imagined? LoL
Thanks Sis, love and higgest bugs, Bro.
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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
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