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Treachery (A Play For Dramatic Verse Workshop)

Characters
Hitaro Magi and Akira Magi,the brothers are generals in the Mazu Imperial army
Oshin Fumaru, assassin and loyal subject of the emperor

(Two brothers sitting in an inn at Nagoya District.)

Hitaro
How goes our plan, brother?
What says the retainers?
Did they agree to join us?
My heart's beating in a rush

Akira
The campaign has gone well.
We'll send the emperor to hell.
With them on our side,
our victory won't be denied!

Hitaro
Tell them we will strike,
under the moonlight
when he and his escorts left the palace
and head to the southern temple.
We'll ambush them on the bridge,
crossing the Narai River

Akira
Our men will attack in the shadows
armed with spears, bows and arrows
We shall claim our destiny
and bring glory to our family

(Leaning forward, the elder brother said softly.)

Hitaro
Then the princess will be mine
along with the throne and the land.
You'll be my Senior Chamberlain
and we'll have all to gain

(They were laughing and drinking their sake when the door slide open and a geisha entered.)

Akira
What are you doing here?
Who say you may enter?
Begone, woman
or I'll have you beaten!

Hitaro
Come now brother,
let's not spoil the mood.
There's enough sake here
and plenty of food.

Akira
Surely you should know better
than to talk in front of a stranger.
This is a serious matter,
not some idle chatter!

(Hitaro waved his hand and snorted.)

Hitaro
What harm can she do to us?
She's here to entertain us
There is nothing to fear.
Come woman, sit here.

(The woman smiled sweetly and do as he bids.)

Oshin
Did you enjoy the sake,sir?
I hope you do.
Its the best we have here
specially made for you.

(Hitaro hugged her and tried to kiss her but she turned away, feigning shyness.)

Hitaro
You're such a tease, my sweet.
Come and show me how you greet
the real men who come here
with such great pleasure

(The woman pushed him away gently and poured another cup of sake, for each of them, slipping poison when they're unaware.)

Oshin
More sake for you, sir?
Let's have a toss for prosperity

Hitaro
Come now brother
let's us drink, you and me

(A few moments later, the brothers clutched their chests as they coughed out blood.)

Akira
Damn you, woman!
What have you done?!

Oshin
I have you poisoned
now your lives be undone!
you have doomed your family
when you chose to weave treachery

(The generals reached for their swords but it is too late
their treachery has sealed their fate.)

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is my first attempt in writing on characters in the japanese samurai era. It is a work of fiction, not related to any of its history.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Because this works so well I have only suggestions to make.
You have some typos, so look for them.
Put your stage directions within parentheses to separate them from the dialogue.
Some of the meter troubled me, but not enough to seriously whine about and I loved the loose rhyme scheme.
Now as far as this being dramatic verse...
well... bingo.
It is clear and concise and could be performed with virtually no change to anything.
Also, you take advantage of the form and use voices generally unfamiliar to your customary writing style. At least as far as I am aware you have never written poetry with such characters or storyline. I hope you will consider the form as one of your occasionals. Return to dramatic verse and tell a tale again going as far from your norm as you possibly can, then use what you gain from the experience to inform your more traditional writing.
I am well pleased, my samurai. You serve your emperor (poetry, not me) well.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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for the visit and the feedback.

Alid

author comment

Once i got the cobwebs out I enjoyed the play it works.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Glad you liked it. Believe me, its quite a difficult task but I'm glad I did it.:D

Alid

author comment

I'm working on mine. Trying to find one from scratch. I can move around revise the one I have. Now for the hard work write from scratch.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

outstanding and marvelous
I am always for ever outstanding
always standing
outside the ring

thanks for the visit and the feedback.

Alid

author comment

Beware of women hahahaha
You've your played well crafted. I liked the theme too. Does this come out of a film or a story you've read. I fancy it is more that wild imagination.

Congratulations on such a work!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I did enjoy reading Japanese stories about the Meiji era. My favourite is the Lord Sano series.He is like a detective in that era who has to handle criminal cases and face scheming powerful enemies during that time. Not sure about the modern Japanese but they used to think that the emperor is the representative of the Sun God. However that does not stop the clan lords from waging war against one another in a show of power. the samurais, lived, following te strict code of the bushido, if I'm not mistaken it is called The Way of The Warrior. they honour their lords so much that if they lose in battle, they are willing to carry out "seppuku" or suicide by the blade to please their masters.

Alid

author comment

A series by Tom Harper that features a detective in Constantinople in the latter part of the eleventh century. I love historical detectives. Who wrote yours?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Her name is Laura Joh Rowland.

Alid

author comment
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