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Transitional Sunku...

Thunder
Raining hard
Flooded creek

Black dirt
Smelling bad
Skeletal skull

Ebon night
Scary howl
Immense anger

Dark skies
Shadows haunt
Muddy waters

Brown clay
Stuffy nose
Broken down nag

Foggy
Silent ear
Emotionless

Sunshine
Cobalt blue
Floating on clouds

Green field
Sweet scented
Centaur hoof-prints

I saw
I heard it
Feeling happy

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Having thought some about what has been said of the form; that it is supposed to be a relaxing Zen-like thing and it would be pleasing to have any darkness overcome in the end, I have posted my version of it.~ Geezer. .
Editing stage: 

Comments

Wow...really intense...can picture the scene...the smell of decomposing body, stumbling into realms unknown...you have peeked the interest of my dark muse.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I'm trying... ~ Gee.
.

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author comment

It was well done. The elements of suspense and fear were conveyed with dark undertones and foreboding...all while presented in a neat, simple Sunku package.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

Thank you for making fun of me.
I did not ask you to write the sweet words.
Cobalt blue and sunshine look like a bad painting.
Transition is not there yet.
Use mundane words but elevate me above them.
That is what I as your reader need.
It is not new anymore to use nasty words, you have done it yourself. Move on. You can do it. I know.

IRiz

I think I need a vacation. I will try hard to use my off time to learn to be something better. ~ Geezer

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author comment

I don't mean to be
a demanding bee
I am
under influence
of Zen.
Be yourself,
my friend,
I am taking a break,
thinking about skiing
in the withinity of Seattle.
Imagining heavy powder of mountain Baker,
I am thrilled and frightened.
I will leave tomorrow night.
Sincerely yours, I.

IRiz

I wasn't making fun of the form. I think it has immense possibilities, I WAS being myself and then being told that you were looking forward to my lighter and more positive side, felt like I wasn't living up to the spirit of the form. I then took the opportunity to use it to demonstrate that I knew what the intent was, but rejected it. ~ Geezer.
.

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I am paranoid and gullible in the same time, believe it or not. Poetry is subjective, nevermind me. My apologies.

IRiz

every right to be paranoid. Your apology is not in demand here. I was being a bit facetious and irritable. Forgive me, as you have been nothing but nice to me and my work. ~ Geezer.
.

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author comment

You are a kind man.

IRiz

but still have that Killer instinct. Lol

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I know this is longer that the form is supposed to be but I also like the way it begins off form then transforms into form. Almost like reading your thoughts as you went through the creative process.......stan

with the three stanzas of each opposite the other, like: 1st stanza 4th 7th
2nd 5th 8th
3d 6th 9th
In order to show the thought process, but it wouldn't do it. I settled for what you saw. Tried to show you what I meant and it just won't do it!

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author comment

Evocative, without being too definite.

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