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transcendental (critique and criticism WS - final version)

I am traversing
a universe of wonders
where, through mankind's inventiveness
we hear the sounds of the cosmos

I can listen to
volcanoes serenade stars
suns sing to mountains
black holes moan in chorus

abiding vibration
resonating

and, here
in the endlessly moving tapestry of eternity
where I am poised between before and after
in a present impossibly intangible

where the moment I reach for the future
it slips through my hold to the past

I can experience the melody
but never capture the song

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just to say I'm glad you've added a free write - haven't a clue on how to tackle a free write with critique! So this should be interesting. :) xxxx

Love Mand

Wes said to post a write we don't particularly like.... so

Free form is not natural for me as rhythm and rhyme seems to be
I have a love hate relationship with this write -- and I don't know why
So I thought it would be the perfect one for a shark's tooth (or teeth)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Hmmm. I think this is interesting because of the imagery.

Alid

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I echo alid. Interesting poem. One critique Ill say is this "impossibly?" Unusual word but I am to a fault create words also.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

not sure if it is a word or not - but I think it works as an adjective...
Thank Barb
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

An unusual write from you but it read OK , there is a line where you could use Universe as apposed to a deity, otherwise it was fine. (the echo of His voice).

The use of impossibly, as long as the context is correct, it is fine and it is a real word:-

Impossibly
/ɪmˈpɒsɪbli/
adverb
adverb: impossibly

So as to be impossible.
"every task seemed impossibly difficult"

•used to describe an event or action that is so difficult or unlikely one would not expect it to be possible.
"he held her and, impossibly, she fell asleep"

Possessing the specified quality to an unbelievably high degree.
"her impossibly blonde hair"
Yours Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

As for your problem with the use of a deity... I agree.
I think it is probably one of the many problems I have with this write.
Although we have been asked not to change anything yet, I'm going to be a rebel and delete that line....
lol - I've done so many edits now so what's one more...
Every time I read this write I edit it... I'll probably unpublish it after the WS, if I don't find what I think is missing...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

There is a scene in Richard Donner's Superman where we are treated to "Can You Read My Mind?"
In the lyrics Lois runs through a list of things impossible that he can do... except read her mind.
Your poem invokes that song. You list incredible things... all of which mankind can do save the last.
We are still trying to capture the song.

Now, I personally despise a lack of punctuation in a poem and though it was not so much in your piece, the lack tends to create confusion.
I thank you for not capitalizing each line. I consider both practices fads and hope to see them die a natural death soon.

Lastly, there is a personal imagery that sets the poem apart.
I don't, of course, care for verso libre, but as always I wait long enough and another beautiful one will cross my formulized path.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

you can do better than this.So suggested alternatives? The alternative might not be used but it might get the writer's gears moving to change in another manner. You stated you prefer punctuation then failed to give an example of a part of this poem which might be made clearer by using punctuation.
I liked your using the Superman thing for comparison. I also think your identifying how this worked emotionally for you.........stan

I feel that the stanza and line breaks act as punctuation... but I also know lack of it often annoys many... it is my own personal opinion that periods and capitals look messy in many cases - but that's just me probably (and, like you, I dislike every verse capitalised)

I haven't seen Richard Donner's Superman - lol is it a musical? Interesting ...

I'm not sure, from your critique, if you liked this free verse, or are still waiting for the 'beautiful one to cross you path' lol

thanks again Wes
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

You bring something different to the table with regard critiquing, yours ( unless it's just me ), seems to concentrate on your opinion of the subject and on how you feel about the structure. Those things are necessary to help the poet progress - in a formal way.

I'm with Stan on this one, perhaps giving examples of how the poem could be better, ( if indeed it needs bettering ) or explaining what you like about the imagery would show personal interest.
( again I could be wrong - this is said from my amateurish point of view ).

I like the way you have ended on a positive note. :)

I am learning a lot from reading the different styles of critique - I'm finding it very educational.

Love to you

Mand xxxx

unfortunately, I felt lost here as I am not aware of the scene that sir Wesley's mentioned (forgive my ignorance). I think this is my problem. I would have checked it or googled it up if I have more spared minutes. Unfortunately I don't.
I understand the need of the punctuation in some other pieces, but I thought this one wouldn't have made much use of it.
I think sir Wesley was fair enough with his critique. At least I wouldn't have done any better ESPECIALLY when we are talking about free verse.
I think Judy you were clever enough when you chose to submit this one, aren't you? :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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The scene Wes mentioned has nothing to do with my write.... he just said it reminded him of it, so your not understanding would not have been helped by googling anything xx

I'm not sure what you mean by my being clever posting this ??
As I said to Mand earlier, this is a write that I have a love-hate relationship with, and I don't know why..... I hoped the bites of a few sharks might enlighten me....
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

dear Judy. But if I was familier with that scene this would make it a closer to my heart piece. I can't deny I found the whole poem a bit difficult to comprehend/digest. (Absolutely my fault)
and you were clever because free verse is often difficult to be critiqued and often very few areas are there to comment on. Again my opinion.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

to make it difficult to crit.... I personally have no more of a problem critiquing free form than fixed verse....
but I feel free form is my weakness, thus the submission of it...
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I think I should come back to this as I feel really tired sitting for a while now critiquing the critiques :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I liked the poem as it stood. Except punctuation. I hate that. But the poem is glorious.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

hmmm, if only you point out an example which you find it confusing, I think this critique will be better. Stil I agree with Rula that this piece doesn't need much punctuations.

Alid

Oh boy here I go again lol. In my opinion a perfectly written poem doesn't need punctuation because the word use, natural rhythm and structure of the poem would supply the needed stops and pauses. This is what I think we should all strive for. Alas, no matter how hard we strive we'll almost never achieve such a perfect poem. Hence punctuation, to supply the directions of where to pause and stop. Not that this has anything to do with this shop which is why i didn't hit "official critique" button

I should never have let you out of the box. However, I tend to agree. I simply think it impossible and I like the use of the tool box.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Wesley, I felt this was an exposition of your own prejudices and had little to do with the poem.

I found the poem problematic in that it over-reached. "The music of the spheres" is one of the grandest concepts that one could possibly have the temerity to tackle. I applaud the courage of the attempt. Possibly, and this might sound strange, a drier, science based approach may have succeeded better.

A holistic approach to science, beauty and mathematics, as was brilliantly achieved in Douglas Adams' "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective". Of course that took an entire novel to carry the concepts.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

for your comments
I don't know what my problem is here - but I know there is one .... everytime I read it I change it - there I have gone and done it again lol

and I just feel there is something I'm not saying that I should - but it won't come to me lol
love judy
xxx

'overreached' - can you elaborate?

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

in the way of suggestions because I saw no flaws in the work. Contrary to Judyanne's misery with the poem I personally think it a work of art that I can't find fault with.

As for the Superman reference, it is from Donner's 1977 Superman movie that had some of the best special effects ever and without computers. He takes Lois for a flight and she whispers the lyrics in her head.
"You can fly, you can soar through the sky."
"Can you read my mind?"

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

A well thought out, honest critique is an informed critique. Never feel that your lack of formal poetic knowledge detracts from critique.
On the other hand it does not hurt to learn a little. Again I offer my two favourite books on poetic form and critique, Frances Stillman's "Poet's Handbook and Rhyming dictionary", and the extraordinary Stephen Fry's "The Ode Less Travelled".

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

There is a good flow and imagery to this piece. That said, there are some issues:

Line 19 is a verb tense disagreement, should be “Vibrating”
Line 17, “through” rather than “though”
Punctuation is inconsistent

Inconsistent punctuation is one of my pet peeves. I have a general rule in poetry; unless the deviation is part of a plan, be consistent in your application. A lack of consistency can muddle your message and give your work an unfinished feel and amateurish presentation.

Or, to put it more succinctly, know the rules before you break them and then only break them intentionally.

Punctuation controls the flow of a piece and lets you direct pacing. How you hear the poem in your head, punctuation lets you transfer that to others. Currently, you have some commas spread out around your piece. This helps just enough to point out that there is no other punctuation and there are several areas which cause flow stumbles because it is unclear if one thought has completed and another though started or if there is just one rambling point.

The problem with rambling points is that they get diluted the more additional information, not related to the original, is added. Diluting your point kills it’s power.

As an example:

I am traversing
a universe of wonders
where, through mankind's inventiveness[,]
we hear the sounds of the cosmos.

I can listen to
volcanoes serenade stars[,]
suns sing to mountains[,]
black holes moan in chorus[.]

[V]ibrat[ing.]
[A]biding[.]
[R]esonating[.]

I feel this punctuation model makes your third stanza more powerful and meaningful. It comes across as a statement, rather than an afterthought of a description.

Of course, you, as the poet, must take in all the critique and decide what makes sense to include, what you will ignore, and what you will file away as good advice not related to this effort.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

everyone knows how I feel about punctuation. Its lack causes me to read sections over to be certain where each sentence and begins.
That said, I don't know if you edited or not, but it is still a beautiful reading for me.
Elegant.
(and it should be "vibrating").

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

One suggested change "black holes moaning chorus" change chorus to hunger because black hole eat everything in site yet their hunger is never satisfied. Well.... maybe 2 lol "I can see the song" were it me I'd change see to sense so that it would involve all the senses not just site. I liked the caught between the past and future in an ever shifting now...........seems I read something on that theme before (wink)......stan

I have done some edits and feel a little happier with it - would really love some feedback...

Punctuation... I use it rarely. Only if I feel the point is really relevant, or if the poem is a narrative. Also, double entendres sometimes need a lack of punctuation... and I agree with Stan re the lack of need if the structure of the poem gives the pauses... ..I actually think I've achieved that with this - please, anybody, tell me if and where you disagree.... Jonathon, I think the end lines depict pauses therefore the reason I only put commas for where I want to pause mid-line... .. Finally, it's a personal thing I think, and I personally think a lot of punctuation looks messy

Jonathon and Wesley - I actually meant 'vibration' - I have changed the word order there - hopefully it makes what I meant clearer.... and Jonathon, I've taken on board your comment re the power in capitalising that stanza .... I understand what you're saying, and would use it, except I don't think it is my 'obligato', and don't want my stress there - am I explaining this well enough? - lol, half of my problem is I still am not sure if I've said what I wanted to with this write...

thanks Jonathan for pointing out the typo in line 17....

Stan, I hate your suggestion for the word 'hunger' lol xxx
the last stanza was bothering me too... how do you like the change?

Again, thanks all
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

nice tis me
back from
WILDER
NESS(T)

I haven't been around much, busy in the 'real' world.... but I'd noticed you weren't around too... are you well?

Thanks for the visit and read
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

premature return.
sorry

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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