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tradition

'without my family i am nothing'
i am nothing without something to carry,
i am nothing without someone to imitate,
i am nothing without something to show.
'without my family i am lost'
should i decide to create this own weight they carry,
i shall lose myself even more.
i fall back and rest under their tradition of grudge
instead of fighting to create something of my own,
i surrender to the shackles,
wrapped in their containment of grudge that i too carried in everyday life.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
let me know what you think, i wrote this in about 20 minutes so it's not the best
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

not sure of the meaning in the line:
"Should I decide to create this own weight they carry"
I am going to assume, that your family holds grudges
in a way that you see no reason for. For instance:

"Auntie Karen says that the family down the street never waves to her
when she passes by; she thinks they are snobs, and so she never waves either
and you should never let your children play with her children.

I think that you have explained it rather well, except for the line that I picked out.

Is it your opinion that if you don't support your family in these things, that they feel
you are not a part of the family?

Please explain, and I will do my best to help you make things clear.
Nice to see you writing. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

we seem to have had different family problems, in fact opposite. I couldn't wait to get away from my family on the maternal side. they were congenital, sociopathic liars. and religious fanatics.
Geezer has found the one problem with your poem and if you listen to him, he will help you to have a decent poem.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

As Geezer pinpointed,
"should i decide to create this own weight they carry, I paused here and I wondering what you really meant here. I couldn't figure out an iota of your intention or meaning over that line.

Would you please elucidate us more and let us know how to help out as Geezer had already notified.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

I like the inference of striking out on your own, and not carryong along the family prejudices.

Not sure that I would use the repetitive beginnings of lines tho. Your piece would be more effective had you chosen different line beginnings, would capture the reader’s interest more IMO.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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I like the inference of striking out on your own, and not carryong along the family prejudices.

Not sure that I would use the repetitive beginnings of lines tho. Your piece would be more effective had you chosen different line beginnings, would capture the reader’s interest more IMO.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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