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Toys? (3rd stage meter workshop) styx

Submitted by Candlewitch on Mon, 2012-01-23 10:54

Toys?

I want to wind you up
Watch you gyrate and twirl
Lose myself in your spinning
(half spider/half demon girl)
When your momentum
Slows enough to trip you
I'll savor the flavor of cadmium...
I want to strip you
D
O
W
N
Listen to your clockwork heart
...dying...
Slowly in time
Replace your batteries...
So we can begin
Again
And again...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
The line: D O W N is really only one line (on the vertical) so there really are only 16 short lines of poetry here. How can meter make this poem better? Thanks in advance. Cat (& eddy)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

emogothgirl

Mon, 2012-01-23 21:08

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i really like it! maybe styx would consider making it longer? i'd love to see what more you could say.
always,
mag

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-01-24 12:02

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LOL! eddy styx is a windbag and would talk your arm off if you let him. It is hard to limit him to under twenty lines. Thanks for your input. Glad to have you visit my poems with your comments! Thank you!

always, Cat (& eddy)

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And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-01-25 07:55

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I want to wind you up
Watch you gyrate and twirl
 

The first 2 lines perfect Iambic Trimeter. Perhaps the next 6 lines could use some help. Remember, feel free to use anapests, and strong or weak lines.

D
O
W
N

was an effetive device. A scary poem. It reminds me of taking too much Mogadan with Daytura

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Candlewitch

Wed, 2012-01-25 10:54

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If you can think of anything, please let me know. As you asked for, this is an older poem and has been published. But any revision can be added to a future book. I appreciate the time you took to critique.
:)
always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-01-25 11:13

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You forgot I guess, but it is important, so that those involved understand the terms of critique

I lose myself in your spinning [good! weak iambic fis form]
(half spider/half demon girl) I[ambic terameter ]
When your momentum [I lose the parsing her]
Slows enough to trip you
I'll savor the flavor of cadmium...
I want to strip you

and then there is the rest

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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