The Earth is dry, thirsty for the rain
I feel bad for all I can give,
is tears from my pain

These lines really grabbed me,
the expressed an indifference in spite of the empathy.
A quality i fear we all share.
Tommi

Dark and mysterious, but always held the attention. Only suggestion not a crit, is maybe thin it down a little, it's a great poem but in some places it stutters a little. Maybe it was me, so best wait and see what others think. Great poem. Love Roscoe...

A heartfelt welcome to neopoet. Love Roscoe...

A well written piece, the story keeps the reader reading, as we follow you to where you only dream you go.
Then reality talks to you with a finality of the end of dreams.
Shows a worry of not being sure of what reality is, and the end time that all people must attend can be just a dream,
Yours Ian.T

A shimmering tower
filled with light and love

is off in the distance
hovering up above

I walk until my poor feet are sore

As the pain recedes
I think I can walk some more


The Earth is dry,
thirsty for the rain

I feel bad
for all I can give is tears from my pain

As a single tear
rolls slowly down my face

it seems that I, unknowingly,
changed my pace


My walk is fast
and the pain I do not feel

I'm asking myself if this is all real

The sand completely covers
my clothes and hair

as I look up to make sure
my destination is still there


The tower is closer
but it seems to have changed

A cold shiver runs through me
as I get closer in range

The memory captured
the love and light

but now that I see clearly,
it is not so bright


Once beautiful and pure
in a peculiar way

Now wicked and evil
is what it portrays

The mystical feeling
that washes over me

is like an icy waterfall
rushing into my soul
magically......................................this breaks with the rhythm


My pulse quickens
as I realise what I must do

and in a way, I guess I always knew

I approach the darkened
stairway that leads to the door

and my pulse quickens a little bit more


I open the rotting door
and wince from it's squeaking hinge

hoping this is a joke
or some sort of revenge

What I see is clearly
my imagination gone wild

like a temper tantrum
from an unruly child


The room is dimly lit
but I can plainly see

THIS ROOM IS FILLED WITH DREAMS
THAT CAME OUT OF ME


Floating around
like dead souls of the past

and some way I knew this dream
will be my last
T
he door swings shut
as I look around

but there is no one here to be found


I hear a voice BOOMING
inside of my head

telling me not to worry,
I AM ALREADY DEAD


I turn and try to run

I am lost in another dream
that has already begun

Will I ever leave this DEVIL'S ROOM?

or will this TOWER OF DREAMS
become my tomb?
______________________
Super idea this Preciouslyset/Precious light? Lyset mean The light/Lys-light in Norwegian.
I like this . Just me having thoughts now:-

Firstly, how difficult t is to read such a block of writing even for one who loves to read. If it was made more pleasing by being broken up into smaller sections it would be more palatable from the beginning.

I have done it like that, but instead of the many lines, a comma could be placed in each case, eg:-

Floating around, like dead souls of the past
and some way I knew this dream, will be my last

And more punctuation changes too.

I don't know, and you can ignore what I say, please do, but for me it was easier to read like this, I think its a fascinating story that in the end will be stunning, just a tweak here and there.

I look forward to more from you,
Nordic cloud.

Thank you for sharing your piece. I don't claim
to be an expert and only offer an individual opinion,
to me, much of the rhyme is forced, way to many
I's and the's throughout the poem and a bit more
attention to the sound, meter or flow of the read
aloud would help as well. One other thing I'd like
to mention, redundancy ... when editing a poem
that's usually where I begin, are there any words
unneeded?

I think you've a good start here and with some work
could become a very good poem.

Richard

Glad to help a little, I didn't address the poem in a complete manner, Richard has some sound advice here. Yes the metre is sometimes lost and it doesn't support itself without some kind of form in its sound patterns. The form sometimes comes of the rhythm, in fact always with what I write, its so important.

I might look at it again, but for now I leave it. Good luck to further thoughts on it.
Nordic cloud.

I agree with all the critique given. On Moonman's suggestion of cutting down on the "I" I'll give you an example:

My walk is fast and the pain I do not feel (walking fast, the pain is unfelt)
I'm asking myself if this is all real (asking myself if this is all real)
and the all capital letters in some sentences is distracting and unnecessary, IMHO.
a useful way to get a good feeling for the rythem and flow of a poem, is to read it out loud after you've written it. In that way you can hear the rough places and then smooth them out. I much enjoyed these lines:

Once beautiful and pure in a peculiar way
Now wicked and evil is what it portrays
The mystical feeling that washes over me
is like an icy waterfall rushing into my soul magically

welcome to neopoet :)

always, Cat

It's not on the pages of a book where we can scan and maybe flip a page back and forth. Like Marhsall Macluhan said, "The medium is the message".

So Nordic Cloud did you a big favour breaking down like she did, making it readable. (Although I might have done it differently, and you differently again)

Continue to write the way you do, but before you post the poem edit it it to make it readable to people reading from a computer screen.

You are one of several new poets here who are really bringing the place alive and raising the excitement levels. Good fucking on you!

Content wise I like this less than your others, feels like you are harking back to self-indulgent adolescent content. Ooops, of course you were, just noticed the copyright date. By the way, put the date at the end of the poem, not in the title.