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TOWARD NEW LANDS

Back in his youth when legs were strong
he never could sit still for long
'cause every view however grand
held no match to newer land.

As years passed by and he gained age
with each day an added page,
still he liked to see new scenery
while leaning on a random tree.

Autumn was his favorite time
when standing waters first showed rime
for this was the special time of year
when he'd go forth and hunt for deer.

He measured each year by its buck
which he would harvest with some luck
and with each deer his thinning hair
turned whiter and his scalp more bare.

Until the hunts caught up with him,
old injuries made walking grim,
yet even so he still set forth.
By his quests he judged his worth

He still was led to heed the call
of new hills and hollows every fall
so he'd stumble painfully along,
his body weak but will still strong.

Then came his fiftieth opening day
which found him once more far away
following a scant deer trail
resting more than when still hale.

Just atop that ridge ahead,
a big buck rising from its bed!
then trotting over the hill top
never pausing once to stop.

The old man decided he would follow
for he'd never been to that far hollow;
he moved slowly, quietly, without sound
eyes ahead toward untrod ground.

Those old clear eyes then spied a shape
which made a thrill run up his nape,
his rifle rose, he fired the shot
then walked to see the buck he'd got.

Old heart pounding hard, he took a seat
beside his quarry, prize, his treat.
He thanked the buck for giving up his life
and with his last breath thought about his wife.

To find him took a long, long while,
from his truck to him well past a mile,
his body beside that buck so grand
but his spirit now trekking newer land.

Still doesn't pass the read aloud test but I'm not finished with it yet

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Excellent concept.
Since you started in iambic pentameter, some of the lines that didn't conform jarred me. I'm going to take a page from your comment book and list them by line number. Pretty cheeky, I know.
5 needs one more syllable... "As years passed and he gained (some) age." ?
Fix the typo in line 6
7 is in trochee, but works.
8 stresses don't land right for either iamb or trochee throughout.
11 missing one again... "For this (time) was the time of year". I don't like the repetition there, but this shows where I think the meter is lacking.
12 Again. "When he would (outward) go for deer". Maybe?
14 Bit of a mess meter wise. I'll let you think about it.
16 "turned whiter and (his) dome more bare".
26 this is tetrameter
37 "Heart pounding he (then) took a seat".
42 This is half a foot too long.
44 This is anapest.
There were other meter "deviations" here, but nothing I did not note interrupted the flow. I mention only the ones that made me stumble.
Hope I wasn't a turd.
Really good idea for a poem and the imagery is a gas.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks for the ideas. I'll let a few more gather thendo a rewrite..............stan PS well intentioned suggestions never make one a turd lol

author comment

Apparently no more comments are forthcoming lol. So I'll begin the process but will have to reference those different meters you speak of before I can correct those parts...........stan

author comment
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