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TOUGH GUY

His eyes look as they have for years
bright, though with the barest haze,
I've never seen them wet with tears
while time ground relentless gears.

And we've shared a near lifetime
filled with ups as well as downs
from almost youth on through our prime
stolen as surely as a crime,

I see those aging eyes today
as I stand with him to say goodbye.
Those eyes once green now tending grey
as we see his life's love on her way.

He looks from hole to sky then pain
makes tears fall like a soft rain.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
A very loose try at a cussed sonnet
Editing stage: 

Comments

It takes the essence of the sonnet, a build up a punchline in a small canvas. You say a lot in the stanzas, we get a full portrait, and follow with a poetic image that expands out of it. This is a good poem and a good sonnet because it reads normally,not forced like some sonnets are.

As for the meter, I keep on saying forgettabouit having to be in 5 stresses per line (iambic pentameter). If composers followed "the rules" all the sonata's would start in allegro. But they don't. You can't live by all the rules, but you can live with some of them...like the way you crafted the 14 lines here.

However if you read it with a metronone it is not a perfect flow of, you get stopped and have to change the beat.In this sense you have to read the poem aloud like a free verse poem, or make very simple changes to make the beat consistent, whichever meter you choose, I think consistency
doth help the cursed sonnet better read.

Example
I see those aging eyes today
as I stand with him to say goodbye.

to

I see those aging eyes today
And stand with him to say goodbye

Hear it?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Yes I hear the improvement now that it's pointed out. I have pretty much always struggled with meter. Even though I strive to make poems sound like normal conversation I way too often put stresses where they don't naturally occur just as if I was singing a song instead of doing a neutral trading of the poem....sigh.....but I just keep plodding along because every once in a while I accidentally get a poem right lol.Thanks for the visit and leaving a well thought comment........stan

author comment

given up on your getting the meter right all the way through a poem. But! You have so much grace and polish with your thoughts, that I rarely notice until I stumble hard. Your stories are about real life situations and I always get the message. Many thanks for your rambles in the woods and ambles down Main St. ~ Gee.
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In this instance I actually Intended the meter break here and there just as the years break down into segments

author comment

I see the difference now. Sometimes, we have different inflections and accents on certain words and that is what can throw you off. I do see what you are talking about. Of course that may change my perception of the greatness of your poem, but... LoL I still like it much! ~ Gee.
.

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Critique or comment today!

Now That's funny as the poem is not that large lol

author comment
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