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That Too Shall Pass... A sonnet

Submitted by Rula on Wed, 2017-03-08 14:22

It's night; the day has shut its wilder eyes
and moon descends with stretching silver rays,
it crept where crystal gems in tiny size
are out in wait for lovers' fawning praise.
The hours would slowly go, the rhythm's down,
no flattering, or words of praise expressed,
no laughs, or songs , the sky's about to frown,
the Earth becomes a hell, no one's impressed.
However dim, the dark shall also pass
when dawn in colours show its aureate thread;
extracted tresses of a charming lass
are laid with careful hands on morning's bed;

It's utmost dim that gives the birth to morns,
and prettiest roses grow amid the thorns.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2017-03-08 14:49

Hi Rula

Since I suck at sonnets I'll say nothing about form but I Did enjoy the read..............stan

Rula

Wed, 2017-03-08 16:55

Lol Stan

I still have the faith that you will write an exceptional one someday...soon

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author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2017-03-08 23:12

When is Scott's workshop?

Or have you neglected to update your signature lately?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Wed, 2017-03-08 23:14

Would you like me to parse this for you, Rula?

I don't mind, it's good practice.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Rula

Wed, 2017-03-08 23:25

I sure appreciate it Jess

I still have faith that scott will come back with his workshop, don't know.

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author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2017-03-09 00:00

Remember, parsing is not an exact science, you may disagree

That Too Shall Pass... A sonnet

It's night/; the day/ has shut/ its wild/er eyes
and moon/ descends/ with stretch/ing sil/ver rays,
it crept/ where cry/stal gems/ in ti/ny size
are out/ in wait/ for lov/ers' flatt/ering praise. [ering praise - Anapestic]
The hours/ would slow/ly go/, the rhyth/m's down,
no flatt/ering,/ or words/ of praise/ expressed,
no laughs/, or songs/ , the sky's/ about/ to frown,
the earth/ becomes/ a hell/, no one's/ impressed [no one's - Trochaic]
However dim/, /the dark/ shall al/so pass [However dim/ - Anapestic]
when dawn/ in col/ours show/ its aur/eat thread;
extract/ed tress/es of/ a charm/ing lass
are laid/ with care/ful hands/ on morn/ing's bed;

It's ut/most dim/ that gives/ the birth/ to morns,
and so/ do prett/y roses/ grow with/ thorns. [ grow with - Trochaic]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Thu, 2017-03-09 01:51

.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Thu, 2017-03-09 01:49

See Classification

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Rula

Thu, 2017-03-09 00:48

So grateful for the effort Jess

I agree with you on
are OUT|| in WAIT||for LOV|| ers' FLATT||erring PRAISE. [ering praise - Anapestic
I still think it reads smooth or at least doesn't disturb the read, what do you think?

however,
I can't agree that "however" is anapestic. howE|| ver DIM is how I pronounce.

and this is how I parse the last line
and SO|| do PRETT||y ROS||es GROW|| with THORNS.

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author comment

Keith Logan

Thu, 2017-03-09 17:27

I agree

with your reading of this but also realize that in different parts of the world there may be alternative pronunciations. The only line with any real problem is the fourth where "flattering" has three beats and ideally a word with just two would be better. (I don't recommend flat'ring).

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Rula

Mon, 2017-03-13 18:00

Keith

Thank you. I am trying to find a good alternative. Any suggestions?

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author comment

Keith Logan

Wed, 2017-03-15 06:16

Not easy

because it requires getting into your mindset. Something like faithful or honest, sincere?

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Gunnar Hedlund

Thu, 2017-03-09 03:18

As lovely as it is

there are a few bumps, as Jess pointed. Also, 11 syllables in some lines.
But I still enjoyed the read.

weirdelf

Thu, 2017-03-09 08:51

true

it is not an exact science

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Rula

Mon, 2017-03-13 17:59

Shall do the revisions soon.

Shall do the revisions soon.
Many thanks for reading and the kind comment GH,

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author comment

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 11:17

Counts

are not always reliable. It can be as few as nine if the poem starts with a headless iamb or as many as eleven where there is a feminine ending.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Esker

Thu, 2017-03-09 11:00

last line is lovely

'grown with thorns'
my only want of change
an exceptional poem!

Thank U Rula!

Mr Wolf!

Rula

Mon, 2017-03-13 17:58

Thank you Mr. Wolf

Your suggestion is noted. Shall edit when all the changes are decided. Thank you.

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author comment

Esker

Thu, 2017-04-13 10:26

in addition

this poem is exceptionally beautiful..
thank U

Mr Wolf!

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-03-21 09:17

excellent revisions

I say parsing is not an exact science, yet the change of not just a word but even a syllable can change the whole thing.
Bloody well done, Rula, you exemplify the aspirations of Neopoet.
I applaud you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Rula

Mon, 2017-04-10 12:07

Thank you

Jess. Your thoughts and visits are always appreciated.

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author comment

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 01:09

Sonnet Writing For Beginners

Belaboring semantics overmuch
can deaden souls to rhythms they should heed,
explaining why some poets never touch
the music of the cadence sonnets need.
To hear that inward sound, a grand huzza --
dispense with any tricks you might employ:
tap out a beat and sing, la LA la LA --
then write the way that gives you greatest joy.

While poring over poems we adore
we take to heart the lessons masters teach,
so pick up those loose iambs from the floor
and use them for sweet melodies of speech.

Leave linguistic studies on the shelf,
write first, to entertain and please yourself.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-04-11 05:23

Some are natural poets.

Some like to play with strict forms. They should never be forced on anyone but neither should learning how they are done properly be denied to anyone interested.

If you are going to do them, do them right.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 11:11

The first line

is the most important of the piece.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-04-11 13:27

No.

When we are talking classic forms every single foot counts.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 19:27

I was not speaking in general

The first line of the particular poem says
Belaboring semantics overmuch
Although the poem was a lighthearted throw away piece I have to stand by the thought of overmuch being an unwelcome state.
If that was not what you were questioning but the iambic counts having to be precisely five per line, then read a little Shakespeare. The first line of this poem has to be of interest.

Shakespeare’s sonnet 153

Cupid laid by his brand and fell asleep,
A maid of Dian's this advantage found,
And his love-kindling fire did quickly steep
In a cold valley-fountain of that ground:

Which borrowed from this holy fire of Love,
A dateless lively heat still to endure,
And grew a seeting bath which yet men prove,
Against strange maladies a sovereign cure:

But at my mistress' eye Love's brand new-fired,
The boy for trial needs would touch my breast,
I sick withal the help of bath desired,
And thither hied a sad distempered guest.

But found no cure, the bath for my help lies,
Where Cupid got new fire; my mistress' eyes.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 02:51

Wow!

I really like the message delivered gently in your poem Keith "writing sonnet for the beginners", and the last couplet said it all. 'Many thanks for sharing.

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author comment

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 02:22

Hello Mark

yes, it's been quite a while. I still though remember your fine message to welcome me to the site.
I highly appreciate your kind visit and the supporting words and looking forward to reading some of yours.
P.s please don't give up writing sonnets. I learnt that practicing makes perfect.
Thanks again for the passing by.

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author comment

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 11:32

OK, I am no expert

but should not both Earth and Hell be capitalized?
and prettiest roses grow amid the thorns.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-04-11 13:30

You are no expert is proved by your last two comments

about working in classic forms.

Caps for Earth, Hell, God or other major concepts can be contextual or political, part of meaning.
eg I never cap god, partly to be purposely provocative.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 19:30

Thank you

for the correction.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 02:35

Hello Keith

your suggestion re the last line makes a lot of sense. I really like it. Thank you.
As for the "Earth" and the "Hell", I thought I would capitalize the "Hell" Only if I mean it as a place where the dead will eventually go, as in the Heaven and the Hell, but I wanted it as a place full of pain and turmoil, However, I agree with you about the word "Earth"
Thank you for the priceless visit. It means me a lot when someone comes more than once to offer such valuable thoughts.

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author comment

Keith Logan

Tue, 2017-04-11 19:33

I echo

what I wrote to Weirdelf.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 02:40

hello Terry

I really appreciate your kind visit and the supporting words.
I too appreciate your interference with Keith.
Thank you again.

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author comment

wesley snow

Tue, 2017-04-11 16:44

I am so pleased...

and proud of the poet you have become. I am grateful I had a hand in aiding the transformation. Weirdelf is correct. You have outgrown me. The student becomes the teacher.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 02:52

Hello dear sir,

can't express my pleasure to see you back with your gentle comment, you make my day.
Welcome back!!

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author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2017-04-11 19:42

Dear Rula

Lovely to see you back again, sorry I missed this one.
It was a lovely read and well written.
One word bothered me that was:- "aureate" I believe it needs an "E" on the end unless I have a bad dictionary.
Look forward to more from your keys..
Yours as always, Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Rula

Wed, 2017-04-12 02:55