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TONIGHT

TONIGHT

The vibes of Nile's night
the twerking of twilight
the pleas of pleasure
the cold caresses of the wind
the mounting smile of the moon
bedazzle me, tonight

Take me to the journey of pleasure
let me be the horse of your ride
the soft mattress of your comfort
the warmth hands of your massage
bewitch me, tonight

Don't spare me, back and forth
drive me to the realms have never been
I'm the body of your conveyance
to the empire of satisfaction
I'm the soothing ointment of your soul
the two in one on the path of ectasy
under sheets of blackness with
the staring eyes of the sky.

Dunni Ebenco

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

the twerking of twilight (instead of twerking, try "twinkling" )
Take me to the journey of pleasure (Take me on the journey of pleasure)
the warmth hands of your massage (the warm hands)
drive me to the realms have never been (drive me to the realms that have never been)

my favorite lines are:

The vibes of Nile's night
the twerking of twilight
the pleas of pleasure
the cold caresses of the wind
the mounting smile of the moon
bedazzle me, tonight

because it is phrased romantically and the beauty shines through. the title is good, language usage is good except for the rough spots I pointed out.

*always, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Noted...Thank you, Candlewitch.

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