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Body so limp and weak
Lying and crying barely able to speak
Warm liquid running down
Lips permanently worn in a frown
Salty water running down my face
Quiet sobs fill the air in a quickend pace
Always afraid and alone
No ones around to call my own
Writing all of my last goodbye's
Tonight's the night I'll finally die

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 


First of all, welcome to neopoet. Hope you'll gain many friends and useful knowledge here.

2nd line, shouldn't it be "lying" instead of "laying"?
On the whole, this is a good, sad poem that you've written. love the fact that it rhymes well. My poems are usually near rhymes or free verse, so I'm abit Good job. Keep on writing.

all the way from singapore, offering friendship and love to the world...

Actually your right! It should by lying thank you! :)

Åłåńå Fłøręš

author comment

great imagery here. the rhyme pattern is pretty tight, which is awesome. good job describing a sensitive subject.


Lovely write young Lady, it takes a lot of guts to pour out these feelings, I still have my writes from when I was 15 but this old memory doesn't work as well as the written word,
There are many here on Neopoet that will be here for you at most times should you need any words to sort, from your two writes it seems you understand yourself and are now moving on, there is a lovely world out there, and us old ones need young ones to look after it, Please do so for us, Yours Ian x

Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Very good. I enjoyed this short poem

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Another read and I'm envious of yourvability to write about this sensitive subject so effectively. My only suggestion is the word "quickend" pace. I'm not sure of its meaning. Other wise I love it. Nothing here to critique after your revision works accordingly.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Lips permanently worn in a frown
Salty water running down my face’’
- I would suggest that you change the order of these verses, so that the thought flows more smoothly from verse three’s ‘Warm liquid running down’

i would also suggest you find another word for ‘running, as it is used twice in a very short write. Repetition is a good tool for emphasis – but I don’t think this is a good emphasis

a couple of typos
No ones – no-one’s
quickened – quickend

I think that this is another powerful write from you, Tylana.
the only problem I have is with the rhythm. I think it could do with a tidy

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

It is abusive and distressing to your reader, no bad how you feel. Suicide is for people with terminal illnesses, this is self-indulgent teenage angst, which is ok, I've been there.

You have a skill with words, a real talent.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

its straight up..Suicide and or otherwise..
Society accepts everything else to a degree
and yet has its touchiness about dilemna
personal and intimate!

As a poem it reads well together
not inchorent and describes
how a depressed person emotes
and ends up alone

The title fits with the ending
its very clearly written
and spaced well
and I like that you edit your works
and take peoples advie through
comments to make your work
flow better!

Thank You!

This is the first of your poems I have read thus far and certainly wont be last because you have a very good power of expression of emotions and sentiments as in this poem.


raj (sublime_ocean)

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