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Tolerance
At the edge of madness
A deadly silence
Within consciousness.
Pain is great
Knees buckling.
The burden of trying
And trying true
Only to fail
Breeds anger.
Fear not death
Life alone.
Still I bide my time
For fate to let go
Maybe even with hope
However vain a notion it is.
But be vigilant
Oh prey
Seeking place to start flame.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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“Withdraw into yourself and look. And if you do not find yourself beautiful yet, act as does the creator of a statue that is to be made beautiful: he cuts away here, he smoothes there, he makes this line lighter, this other purer, until a lovely face has grown upon his work. So do you also: cut away all that is excessive, straighten all that is crooked, bring light to all that is overcast, labour to make all one glow of beauty and never cease chiselling your statue, until there shall shine out on you from it the godlike splendour of virtue, until you shall see the perfect goodness surely established in the stainless shrine... Never did eye see the sun unless it had first become sunlike, and never can the soul have vision of the First Beauty unless itself be beautiful.”, Plotinus, The Enneads
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Comments
Ian.T
Sat, 2014-08-23 18:47
Jahleel
I like your work, it may be better if you wrote more often.
Try not to make a shopping list of a poem.
Your word power is good so try to make a poem with longer lines and spaces to breathe.
A write more than once a year would be better and for you to join in criticizing others pieces also joining the odd workshops would be good for you,
Welcome back and hope to read more of your work as others will, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Mon, 2014-09-01 01:40
Love this poem
it seems to be written just for me. I am not that vain, it is just the sign of a poem of stature.
Do take heed to Ian's remarks.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jahleel Drigo
Sun, 2014-11-16 22:39
Thanks guys
Really appreciate the criticism as always guys. I try my best to make the indicated corrections. As for the workshops, I'll join one when I have the time to spare.
JahLo
"A light complexion, graceful carriage, and a bewitching smile- those constitute a woman's true worth"
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