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Tizzy was told her parent died early on
Lonely though, she lived with her granny
On whose birthday, an uncle stopped over
Their dotted paths had crossed in time past

His largesse to the niece met a yearning need
Of care cloaked in sugar daddy’s garment
This did not go well with the aged woman
With avowed secrets locked in her heart

He strangled the ‘aunty’ to have his way
Overwhelmed by car gift and overseas trips
Her campus boyfriend suffered in sorrow
With barefaced lies, she dribbled him through

Early morning sickness, her womb swelled
Expectant father, the gallant uncle moved
An aunt accosted the incestuous duo
Startling truth shocked every one with shame

The uncle turned out to be Tizzy’s father
Paralysis hit him, miscarriage sunk the girl
She ran back to Theo for a second chance
But found her best friend cuddled in his arms

Tears of regret trailed her wrong turn
She had become a laughing stock for all
This wide world became rather small to hide
Bullet, knife and poison, her next recourse

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


But now a whining complaint.
It is not poetry. There is no consistent music in the language. This does not mean the language is poor. In fact it is rather hard hitting prose. A story told with a sledge hammer (that means I like it), but it does not read as poetry. No matter how rough hewn a poem is, there must still be within it the grain of music... of order beyond prose.
You could perform Jess' "test" with this and post it in paragraph form and it would fit nicely. It would not struggle to be free of that constricting shape like a poem would.
This is a wicked story and vicious language, I don't know that I would mess with it to make it something else, but I must say that it is not poetry.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program

Thank you...
I attempted to tell a story in verse, though I did not get the rhyme and missed the music too. It is something I had in my file for sometime, I dusted it out with meter of some sort. I would have loved it to pass a poetry test and posted it under the workshop on 'storytelling in verse'. Sorry for the oversight.

I made a confession, that I had no formal training in poetry, I just write as they come. Please can you furnish me with a standard guideline that will assist me in measuring poetry?

I appreciate your time on the piece and hope to get the best from your frank comments. Best wishes


A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

... then go out and get yourself a copy of "Words To Rhyme With" by Williard R. Espy. It is a rhyming dictionary, but a rhymer like no other and as most of these sorts of books it has in the beginning a "poet's craft book". A short section (hilariously written and using ALL original poetry for examples) that describes in short, concise sections all of the basic concepts used in poetry. It won't get you a doctorate in the subject, but it will fill holes in your education and entertain while doing so.
And as an added bonus you'll get a really good rhymer to boot. Buy it used. They printed a lot of them.
After you've had a look, if you've got any questions I am seriously around. I don't have a doctorate either, but I love explaining what I've learned about poetry (from places like Espy).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

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