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Times of Opening and Closing

Submitted by sanctus on Mon, 2013-12-23 21:22

I would've electrified the air,
sparkled it with rust and lemons.
Ah, but there is not time for that!
Only time
for
aggravating
and troublesome demands
flooding like
paper chairs
in the water.

I would have dreamt of more solutions.
Left them littered like dandruff
on the pinnacle of creation.
Ah, but there is not time for that!

There's never time for impossibilities.
Too many
concrete diaper's
demanding to
be filled.

I stand. I sit.
I whimper and whisper.
But it does not matter.

Still the danger looms
and comes
as often
as
laundry is folded.

I would have opened my eyes more
if I had known the smells
they
would
have felt.

But no, was not to be.
I suppose
the rambling is normal
and
the shambles are ordinary.

It is living that is the problem, I see.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

eightmenout

Tue, 2013-12-24 00:09

I hope you find your time here fruitful and enjoyable.

This is a strong first post. I look forward to reading more from you.

That being said, I do feel that some of the language is just filler and the imagery is not as fluid as I feel it could be. Based on the whole of the poem, I think you can take this to another level.

Scott

Scott

Ian.T

Tue, 2013-12-24 02:54

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet site, you will find here many types of poet and teachers of varying degree and degree's.
Later as the new year unfolds there will be several Workshops to attend so I hope that you will join in and learn as we all do.
Your first poem I think is very good and I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Have a great Holiday, Yours Ian.T.
PS:- just the line:-
But no, was not be be (to be) just an echo that can be soon edited lol

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

eightmenout

Tue, 2013-12-24 09:59

For some reason, the revision/comparison tool is not working and I cannot tell what changes you have made. Can you post the original in the comments section for us to compare.

thanks,

Scott

Scott

sanctus

Tue, 2013-12-24 13:46

sanctus's picture

I did not revise it. I corrected a typo..I rarely revise anything I write once it is finished. And if for some reason somebody publishes a piece, I certainly will not revise it. But for this piece, just correcting a typo

author comment

loved

Tue, 2013-12-24 15:11

loved's picture

hold on to your will…. even I rarely am able to revise… what has once been composed …
I may create another one afresh

loved

weirdelf

Mon, 2014-01-06 14:32

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

and a remarkable debut for Neopoet. You are clearly a word-crafter after my own heart, even if it eludes most of my own work.
I want to read this for you, partly for the sheer joy of saying the words out loud.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0JlOeHIjoQ1

The combination of surrealist and multi-sensory imagery is startlingly original.

I look forward to your next piece.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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