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The Time that the Shadows Played - (a tetratina by docmaverick)

It happened once, during the darkest night
where even I could barely see,
staying that way until morning's light
when the shadows fade, setting us free.

And,the shadow players were also running free
on this particularly dark night,
taking advantage of us, as we could not see,
that these shadows were eating up all the light!

When daybreak returned with our sun's bright light
what my own eyes did finally see,
was that these darker shadows born from the night
were out and about, and a running free!

But, it was I, no one else could see
that something was odd about this "light",
Twilight played a trick, and had gotten off, "scott free"
in the middle of this shadowy night.

I hope I never see again, dark shadows in broad daylight;
like that time the shadows were daybound, and a running free!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This was my first tetratina.
Editing stage: 


Wow. This is truly a grand endeavor and like the Sestina, takes a lot time and care to make it sing.

Regarding the Form

I believe lines in this form should be tetrameter (four footed lines) and the remaining couplet (also in tetrateter) must include the four end line rhymes within the couplet.

An example in four footed lines might be:

"It happened on the darkest night
when squinted eyes could barely see,
and stayed that way 'til morning light
when shadows fade to set us free."

(this is weak though and a piece this rich in form deserves much more impact)

It is a tough form and it is difficult to keep the rhyme from sounding forced. I notice a lot of repeated ideas in each stanza and had hoped to see the story line expand a lot more.

An idea might be to grab the message you want to tell us and work it in the ending couplet. Then work your way back to the top. I find this works with Sestina and may work with this form as well. That ending couplet needs to say it all. With tetrameter, you don't have the space you have in a Sestina so you have to be spot on with each line exact and detailed. Brevity in verse in this form is key.

I am impressed to find this form on Neo. It is a tough form and with some editing you will find yourself with a real gem. One thing is certain - I am inspired to try one.


.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

...for your consise, and very candid critiques as, I for one greatly appreciate how geuinely earnest, and sincere you are with each of them.
I had read but, one of these before this attempt so, I wasn't really "keen" on the syllable count.
Thanx again,

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

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