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Time Passages

Submitted by China Blue on Thu, 2011-01-20 18:57

Time Passages

Time passes in dreams
A Warrior wandering
Searching for another battle

A Nomad traveling
Through the years
Foraging for sustenance

The Knight riding through the land
With hopes to find another
Fair Maiden to save

A Kingcounting his treasures
Longing for more
While he oversees his Kingdom
Ah then tell me
What are you wanting for
Fortune
Fame
Love

And we follow suit
How often do we feel
An emptiness
Or there is a missing link

Nothing changes over
Times passage
Yet we go on searching
Or grasping for that golden ring
As we go foward in time

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

scribbler

Thu, 2011-01-20 22:36

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I had a few ideas but will fore go suggestions as the ideas might vary your intent in a write that is great just the way it is. good to see you again...............scribbler

scribbler

Fri, 2011-01-21 09:01

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L-2 change wanders to wandering
L-4 change travels to traveling
L-7 change rides to riding
put question mark after love
isolate "of time" in its own last line

I know these small changes will make a subtle change in perspective which is why I hesitated.............stan

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-01-21 13:09

Hooded Stranger's picture

Chrys,

this is a wonderful write and you lead us right into the end with a question, which makes you stop in your tracks and think "damn, I don't know now!"

If you go with Stan's suggestions, you will need to amend the first line from 'passes' to 'passing'.

You gave 'Knight' a capital 'K'...do you think 'king' should have one too?

Thanks for sharing this, nothing really to critique - really good poem.

regards,

HS

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Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-06 10:32

Hooded Stranger's picture

Dear Chrys,

you changed the ending...feels and sounds better and completed now.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2011-01-21 13:15

Roscoe Lane's picture

to the ending of this poem is, to be the one skillfull enough. At bringing all four together searching for the same, that being the best for man and our planet. Great poem Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

ziggy

Fri, 2011-01-21 14:26

hi I love the title all the critique has being said above
good to read you again ,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-01-21 19:39

Chrys, I would capitalize Warrior, King, Kingdom since you capitalized Nomad and Knight.

The ending is a bit weak, perhaps if you were to find a symbolic ground where all meet?

~A

Kailashana2

Mon, 2011-01-24 15:49

Well done Chrys very good, just one more ...the end is stronger without a repetition of the theme. How about:

Or grasping for that golden ring
just
out of reach.

...or something to that effect.

~A

Candlewitch

Wed, 2011-02-02 11:22

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In this line: A Kingcounting his treasures. There should be a space between King and counting. A simple mistake. Otherwise I love the piece. I do get the feeling of the passage of time. And time does move quickly. My favorite lines are:

And we follow suit
How often do we feel
An emptiness
Or there is a missing link

love, Cat

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China Blue

Fri, 2012-09-14 08:55

China Blue's picture
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don't know why this one came back to stream the original date was January
and who the hell is gfew and why are they posting advertisements on my work

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-09-14 09:48

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I have told gfew that we aint interested in their Adverts anyway they should go to Specsavers, I hope that someone has the cancel their Neopoet entry some place as this is popping up all over the place.
I have had some old ones turn up, but I edit them a bit to make them newbies LOL.
Take care, Yours Ian.T

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