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Till the Last Breath..(Trochee)(with audio)

http://chirb.it/9vAGfA

Heavy weights are crushing me.

Painful chains of history
locked my heavy fears inside and
flung the saving key away.

Filthy hands have built the Col'nies;
walls to part, and lawless policies.

Tanks to bomb extensive fire
burning innocents' homes and legacies.

Dozers deep in earth are digging
leaving grains of sand down squeaking .
Rooting vine and olives out
blazons farmers senescing .

People live in awful sickness;
horrible acts to wrap the business
madly daily killing of kids
men and women almost endless.

Moms lament their sons once murdered
tears in eyeballs loathly render.
Aging aches now fill the empty
hearts and souls once warm and tender.

Palestine, the home of messengers,
fight the greedy, fight the dangers.
Fight the bombs with naked chests of
heroes, martyrs, and challengers.
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Images captured from the daily life of Palestinians..Though I live away from Home, where I am not allowed to enter but with a visiting visa...A big sigh that burns me. I bet you'd say that this needs lots of work to polish, I shall listen to everyones suggestion. This piece means almost the world to me. I might also consider extending this later on. Ps. Hope Wesley's workshop shows here. I tried hard as it is almost the first true attempt in trochaic.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

the plight of the Palestinians, is a long and arduous one, How can a God say this is your land and then take it away. This is why I say there is no "god". every Palestinian I have meet have been charitable and hospitable. I have friends in California who have treated me as family, and have voiced their plight to me. I can truly say that I have seen both sides of the coin and understand their right to the land. I respect that you have had the courage to write this most touching poem. My sympathy and respect to you and yours. The spirit to fight on is commendable!

Thank you for sharing your pain with us, it came across with the hammer of reality.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

our first meeting, I guess so let me say I'm so sorry we didn't meet on a less firing ground, but I feel home here at the Neo. Everyone here is a friend and I know there will be no hard feelings what so ever, otherwise I won't post.
Thanks for being the first to express your sympathies. I really appreciate every word you've said yet not that about God. We definitely have different views and believes concerning God's presence. It is all about human's job that happened and still happening in Palestine.
I appreciate your understanding my feelings.

Again many thanks for coming to this very special work, at least for me.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You know, of all the excellent imagery that you have given us here, the one that truly hits that central nerve of raw affrontry is that of the farmer and his olive groves and vinyards being destroyed. The Israeli desire to uproot and destroy them, to push the farmer out and replace him with settlers, is so dead on the bullseye of the target that there really isn't anything else to say.
For those of you who don't know, Palestinian farmers in the West Bank - whose lands have been held by their families for literally generations - are not even allowed to harvest their crops without an official permit from the Israeli government, and when the Israelis decide that the farmer's land is something they want, guess who DOESN'T get a permit? Guess who goes under, because he cannot make any money from a harvest he isn't allowed to make? And guess who gets the land, once the farmer is gone, evicted because he cannot make any money?

This is one of your best, Rula, thank you for it.

Concerning everyone's God...I don't worry about who believes what, or much care, when it gets down to it - She knows what is in all our hearts.

;)

Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I wonder if many out where you live are sharing you those same thoughts. Sometimes we, the Arabs, are blamed for not forcing our goverments do what must be done. The same is out there. I think all those honest souls should stand out against all the illigal policies for the sake of the innocents who are defending but their own rights.
Thanks jim. Really appreciate your words.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Hope all is well with you. As always the content and language are outstanding. I do have a problem with some of the rhyme patterns must specifically s3 with earth birth and death. legals changing death to worth.

s2 and s5 have slight hiccups as sand and run are not plurals but that's probably to picky.

enjoyed it

Scott

Scott

and many thanks. I sometimes feel hopeless and helpless so writing becomes all I can do for the sake of my people.
I highly value your suggestions. As I said I think this still open to more revisions as I am planning to add.
I did some edits and sure more shall come if any further suggested.
Your visit always means a lot.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

how do you like the flow? First true attempt in trochaic

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Amazing to hear your voice! Your poem is powerful with imagery and emotion, it really hits home how much your people suffer.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Well done

Mand xxxx

so kind of you dear. I am happy to know you've found here something worthy.
Have you considered joining Beau's Workshop to learn how to loadup an audio to your own poems.
It's a great fun indeed.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

will be checking it out ( hopefully tomorrow ) Looking forward to it.

Love Mand xxxxx

Below are the verse whose meter didn't quite work for me. I did not scan them. I would like you to revisit them and see if you find the problems yourself.
The poem is powerful and the meter would work in any venue save my nit picky workshop.
Just have another look. If the line isn't copied here, I didn't have any problem with its meter.

faraway flung the saving key.
Colonies built with dirty hand.
Dozers dig deep in the earth
Nothing but killings heavily mark
days that swell and the nights
and the loss of the dearest one.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

 and amply commented on. Instead I will comment on the Trochaic form, which is severely flawed.

Remember with Trochaic the first syllable is stressed and the second unstressed, DUM da DUM da. This is difficult to do because we tend to emphasise the last words of lines for poetic/dramatic effect and to emphasise rhyme. I won't parse the whole poem, because I am lazy and it is very time consuming. Instead I will point out where your last syllable is stressed, as written and as you read it.

The first 2 stanzas went fine. Can you hear how your stressed
Colonies built with dirty hand.
Filthy walls now part the land.

Dozers dig deep in the earth
suffocate the life's new birth.

Actually it goes on. The really tricky thing with Trochee is to use unstressed syllables at the end lines. You have succeeded in many places and it is a very fine poem. Just use little syllables after the stressed ones: luckily, capable, whimsy, destruction. Can you hear it?

I hope this helps.

Perhaps Wesley's most important advice in this workshop was not to try to write great poetry, but focus on getting the meter correct.

 

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

for the invaluable points, tricks and tips. I am working on it but I am not sure it will keep its same powerful effect with the changes. They are almost radical ones.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

It means arising from or going to a root or source; basic. Where that basic lesson has been lost radical form can epitomise new and challenging.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I am not sure I've got your point here. It is a challange to do the changes and keep the same meaning but I am trying my best to achieve both, the form and the powerful content.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

complete nonsense, but name the meter and get it right.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

ones already. I am aiming something more meaningful.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

trying to cheer Wesley up, but seems it's all in vain :)

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

We can't cheer anyone up truly, only ourselves. Anything attempted is not in vain...

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

But my nature, may be not a good one, but I care for others more than I do myself.
Thanks for your words. I hope I am the winner anyway.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Any better re meter?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Getting there. Now look at these. Take particular note of individual words and their pronunciation. E.g. "lament" which is accented on the second syllable or "farmers" which accents the first. Remember our conversation about the difficulty in accenting articles like "the". It can be done, but it makes your job harder.

walls to part with illegal policies
Uprooting vine and olive trees
blazon the farmers happed senescing
Mothers lament sons coldly murdered
of heroes, martyrs, and challengers

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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WALLS to| PARY with| ill-E|-gal PO-| li-CIES
 UP-rooting| VINE and |O-live |TREES
 BLAZ-on| the FARM|-ers HAPPED| se-NE-scing
 MO-thers| la-MENT |SONS COLD|-ly MURD|-ered
 of HER|oes, MAR|-tyrs, and| CHALL-en|-GERS

If my scansion is right, why couldn't I hear it when I read aloud?  

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

only add, Rula, that the sound and inflection of your voice adds to the power of this piece. It makes me feel, I think, a small part of the Palestinian pain. This needs a wider audience.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

my pleasure. Really, I wish my voice would reach as many ears and hearts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Use of the apostrophes legal and right to keep the meter here sir?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I read your poem and listened to the audio. I think it's great. The audio put it in rhythm and it read great

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

and sorry for the belated reply. Appreciate your visit.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

"walls to part, 'llegal policies"
Normally a poet will use an apostrophe to eliminate a syllable that it fit into a specific meter. This is generally not a problem and is certainly acceptable.
However, in this instance you have eliminated a syllable that now changes the meaning of the word. "Illegal" of course means unlawful, but eliminate the first syllable for meters' sake and you turn the word into "Legal" which is counter to the point of the verse. So I'd have to say that the use of the apostrophe here is counter productive and you need to find another way to make the meter work.

"burning innocents' homes and legacies."
Here the apostrophe is used to indicate a possessive. Not only does it work in context, but the additional syllable it adds fits the meter and is therefore correct.

" 'prooting vine and olives"
I personally don't think eliminating the first syllable of a word works. It may fit meter, but often it makes the word confusing. If I use a contraction to conform to meter I will usually confine the contraction to the center of the word if possible where the word is shortened, but meaning is not lost. Here the context is reasonably clear, but "reasonably" is generally not good enough for me. If the context is lost (or even slightly misplaced) the purpose of the poem is lost with it regardless of how the meter conforms to traditional norms. Also keep in mind that a contraction doesn't actually eliminate the syllable from the reader's mind. We still "hear" UProoting though it is a secondary accent which allows the meter to be maintained. A strong syllable like "up" will ring subconsciously in our reader's mind to the point where it ruins the meter and the contraction is useless.

fight the greed'ness, fight the dangers
Here again the syllable eliminated is strong enough that 1) it is necessary to the word for context and 2) it will be heard by the reader whether we like it or not.

A line from something I'm writing today:
"Whatever dampens one's soci'tal slap and squeal".
I eliminated a vowel sound unnecessary for the context of the word, but in doing so I conformed to my meter.
I hope all this made sense. It is eary morning... not my best time to think.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

for the sake of trochaic. Any better?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You inspire me to write about palestine again!I have been trying to work on it in malay but even then I failed.i won't let that failure stop me. I have been searching and searching for something to help me outTthis powerful piece is what I need. You are the best person to help me as you are at its source. Can you send another piece, and update me?. I have read you are not god but i think this is better.

Alid

it really touched me to know that what I write inspires others.
I wish to read yours soon.
Here are some on the same theme
*In search for peace...http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/search-peace
* Yack ...http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/yack
* In Syria...http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/syria-octogram#

Just some of what I thought you might like to have a look on.
appreciate the time and any thoughts you might think would work for improving.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

From you, my friend
I learn more about Palestine
the courage of fellow muslims,
unfazed in the face of attrocities
when the blind bullets strike
martyrs are born in history
when missiles killed children
heaven gained young residents
when mothers and wives cried
i pray their tears will turn to fire
on the day mortal satans tremble
when hell is revealed to them

Alid

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