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Tide

Tide

The tide turns
And begins pounding the shore
Persistent eroding
Harder and faster
The uncontrollable force
Breaking down the defence
Constant corroding
Faster and harder

The tide turns
And retreats its brutal attack
Erasing its resistance
Softer and slower
The monstrosity recoils
Leaving its destruction
For another day
Slower and softer

I feel my insides churn
You have the upper-hand
Leaving me vulnerable
Upon the blood soaked sand

I feel my insides burn
You have the advantage
Leaving me unprotected
Against your iron-fisted rage

The tide turns
And starts its onslaught of anger
Relentless power
Faster and harder
The merciless force
Thrashing against the stronghold
Perpetual hammering
Harder and faster

The tide turns
And withdraws to the dark depths
Diminishing its fury
Slower and softer
The beast recedes
Leaving the battered land
Until next time
Softer and slower

© 2011 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

l-7 try constantly consuming
change one of the uncontrollable forces to irresistible force
l-34 try withdraws to the dark depths
l-35 try changing savageness to anger

I like comparing the rise and fall of emotions to the flow of tides................scribbler

Stan,

thanks for dropping in to read and suggest changes.

I decided I liked 'Constant corroding' so I left that one.
Changed one of the 'uncontrollable force' to 'merciless force'.
Changed the 'return to the dark depths' to incorporate 'withdraws'.
Changed 'savageness' (which I never liked anyway) to 'fury'

I really appreciate your input my friend - thank you.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I love the power behind this one. What about if the first verse said,

The tide turns
the monster pounds the shore
Persistent eroding
Harder and faster
The uncontrollable force
Breaking down the defence
Constant corroding
Faster and harder

i think it flows better that way. But whether you change it or not, it's a great write.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

In this piece the 'monster' is the 'turning tide' so I don't really want to use the word 'monster'. Also, it will give off the image of a real sea monster, which isn't what this is about.

Thanks for reading and offering alternatives.

Kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Amalzamani,

the term 'turning of the tide' is quite common in England when referring to the tide changing from coming in to going out or vice versa.

Glad you enjoyed this one - I am normally a quick writer but this one took a lot longer to become complete - or certainly into the draft it is right now.

Many thanks for commenting my friend,

HS

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Shirl,

thanks for reading and commenting. I needed a metaphor for the song and the tide turning seemed to best relate to its true meaning.

I see you've chosen part of the chorus as your favourite. Originally it didn't have a chorus...but you know me, it didn't feel right, so I added two.

Thanks mate,

HS

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author comment

"and retreats it's ferocious attack" just seems a little unwieldy. Maybe something like: " and it's ferocious attack abates?" Also, I know that many of the others might not see the word [defence] as being wrong, but the American spelling is [defense]. I like the theme, and the simile of emotion to the ocean or sea is very apt.
Nice work, ~ Gee

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Gee,

the second line of each verse was supposed to be quite long, but I do agree about the 'ferocious' line. I have removed 'ferocious' and replaced with 'brutal'...for now.

Being English - defence is spelt right from an English point of view.

Glad you liked the theme.

Thanks for the suggestion,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

hi hood , I see you posted this with a tweak
or so , it looks good too, with your one word
title.
" trashing against the stronghold
perpetual hammering
harder and faster "

your words are as strong and dark as ever ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Zigs,

I posted this exactly as I sent it to you. I have since edited it after receiving some suggestions from Stan & Gee. They have tightened it up a little.

One word title...yup you know me.

Strong and dark...thanks mate,

regards,

HS

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author comment

The tide ever turning and churning your darkness into the light. In with low tides and then some high tides to release its fury out to sea. Just my wee thought on this one for I love the water and the tides..Moon above..porch of love..

Love Mona
Happy New Year to you and family

Mona,

churning my darkness into light?...well more like being under seige with just a small reprise before the hammering begins again.

Thanks for dropping by and commenting, you are always welcome in my corner.

regards,

HS

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I loved many things about this write...such as...

the metaphor of a tide to exrpess the uncertainties and turmoil of inner thoughts one encounters in life...with their Highs and Lows...

the rhythm and beat of the poem which is consistent with the coeanic tides....

the choice of words and their placing to create a melancholic mood....

ofcourse i am now very familiar with your prowess as a poet ...and admire your skills and creativity...

Wishing You and Your Beloveds A Happy, Healthy, Wealthy, Peaceful New Year 2011...

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj,

Stan?...maybe you meant Dan?...lol!

Glad you picked up on the metaphor to express the inner turmoil. Rather than highs and lows, this was more about the constant battle inside and just a small break in the obslaught as the tide reteats, before returning to fight me for another day.

I hope this has a rhythm as it has been written as song lyrics, so the style hopefully will work when recorded against music. The oceanic tides does help to mirror the flow and beat of the piece...I hope.

Melaconic mood - I guess that is apparent because it is to be a song.

Thank you for your kind words about this piece and I too wish you and yours a peaceful and healthy new year.

I am looking forward to reading more of your poems that calm me down and take me away on a gentle journey, leaving all my troubles behind.

kindest regards,

HS

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author comment

My apologies Dan for calling you Stan...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj,

don't you worry my friend...I have forgiven you!

It is funny but you are the third person to comment on my work and call me Stan.

Take care,

HS

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author comment

Rosina,

yes it was you wasn't it!

Lol!

HS (Dan not Stan)

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Dear Ian,

I am guessing you listened to Systema Synthetica?

I am Dan from the band, I don't use my pen-name 'Hooded Stranger' in the band. I am just Dan, the lyric writer and alternative vocal guy.

If you went to my myspace account it would have confused you as that profile is now called 'Hooded Stranger'. I am in the process of changing that profile to simply represent my written work and website:

www.hoodedstranger.com (which is close to being ready for launch.

My myspace profile will not be connected to the band as the two entities are quite separate. The band already has a myspace profile anyway.

Do you mean the words in this piece came across as being a woman, ill-treated or do you mean the vocals on the bands songs sound that way?

There are three of us in the band, caseR (male), Pat (female), and me (definitely male!)

Thanks for the advice about leaving the beach when the sea is rough...but the problem is the beach is my inner turmoil...which is difficult to leave...but I get your meaning.

Thanks, as always, for dropping by to comment my friend,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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Ian,

thanks for your positive words, I will try to leave the beach.

Systema Synthetica - is my band:

www.systemasynthetica.net

kind regards,

HS

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author comment

Yenti,

I live in Amesbury, which is a few miles outside of Salisbury. I am about 2 miles from Stonehenge.

Knowing you have read my work, is more than enough. It always takes time to make comments as well and like you, I often read, but don't always have a chance to comment.

You talk about walking in the woods - my wife & I are off to wander around Old Sarum this morning.

Thank you for your kind words,

regards,

HS

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Ian,

I haven't lived in Amesbury all my life. I originate from Colchester, Essex. Most people assume that I am in the forces due to Colchester & Amesbury/Boscombe Down being hosts to the majority of UK based troops. I came to Salisbury about ten years ago. I was desperate to see Stonehenge and wrongly assumed it was in Salisbury. Whilst in Salisbury I had a drink in Cloisters Pub and there I met Julie, who six months later became my wife. She lived in Amesbury and so I am still here. We love Old Sarum and also Stonehenge. We celebrate the new year at Stonehenge...all alone in the dark with the magic of the stones. I digress, sorry!

I can understand your anger towards the Cathedral fees and the poem is a great defiant piece. Did you send it to the Catherdral?...and if you did, did they respond back?...some how I doubt they would have.

The poem itself is well crafted and the rhyming gives it a tempo and flow.

Always happy to chat to you my friend.

Many thanks for sharing the poem and for your positive comments,

kind regards,

HS (Dan)

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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Rosina,

it seems I am not the only one with a new picture. You also have Zak in your new one...which of course is now my favourite animal/rodent...since it is the 'Black-Hooded' rat.

I don't think I can add anything else to your summary about my lyrics. You know me too well, so you understand this write better than most.

Thank you for reading and commenting. I have an email or two of yours to respond to, so I will respond to those today sometime.

I hope your new year's resolution is still on track.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

but the onslaught remains and we pick up from rise and ebb all the cycles of our lives.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

CB,

perfectly put my friend.

I haven't spent much time on Neopoet recently, but I will be around for a couple of days. I have seen you've posted a few which I haven't yet gotten around to reading and commenting on...but I shall. I always look forward to your reads - always a little off-centre (in a good way) and make me think differently about things.

kind regards and thanks for reading and commenting my friend.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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"slightly off-centre" - perhaps it allows both extremes of world views to come to a place that is almost surreal but still offers an sustainable alternative point of view. I too look forward to our little exchanges. All the best to you and yours. HS

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

CB,

I was a little unsure if I should have called your poetry 'off-centre'...but I hoped you'd know where I was coming from. Your description is bang on and I am glad I didn't offend you as you know I would never intend to do that to you.

So your work is off-centre and I have been told mine is a total load of bollocks (which came from a member of Old Neo)...Lol!...they're probably right!

take care and I will be dropping in on your work later today and tomorrow,

cheers mate,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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This piece brings to my mind, the monster I carry within. He lives deep within me in the darkness of my soul. I keep him on a choke-chain, which is a very short leash which chokes the animal briefly if pulled up quick. I only let him out on occasion and he is know to you as eddy styx. I cannot pick favorite lines as they are all stupendous! Tremendous feelings in this piece and I wouldn't change a word of it!

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Cat,

we all have 'demons' or 'monsters' inside somewhere. My demon is not as poetically brutal as Mr Styx unfortunately. It would seem my inner demons wears my own face so i never know which one I am at any one time!

LOL!

Glad you liked. Thanks for dropping in and I hopeYule went well for you and Steve,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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JayCee,

I do mind that you've selfishly taken my posting to be a highlight spot for your own work in order to over-shadow my poem with your own, leaving mine washed up and broken like a wreck whilst yours glides upon the waves with bright sails with the gentle wind!...

...Lol...I'm only kidding, but I had you worried for a second there didn't I?

Of course I don't mind. In fact your poem kind of goes hand in hand with mine so they look good together.

I love the word 'eddy's'...I wish I had thought of that word when I wrote mine.

Mine is an (inner) storm which dissipates with the tide, only to resume where it left off on the returning tide.

Glad you enjoyed mine and I certainly enjoyed yours.

kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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