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thumb-stuck thru the middle

one day to tallahassee
two to yosemite
one to portland
day n a half to denver
border to border
coast to coast
big thumb

eight fucking days
contemplation
along I-35
70 out o kans's city
that reeks o carcass
rot n dog food
okie even worse
       seein images
       masks n
       license plates

what w’d jesus
do indeed…?
hmmm…
i flew signs
needin water
not money r handout
        only finding
        birds n fingers
        changing lanes
                     away

           pious
            pissy
             children

dank n liquid
shat the inbred
crossed lawns
motels n bro-tels
        careenin n  a-peekin
the rubber-
necked bastards!

got out with
a girl from
Seguine
       she hated you
                          too

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
if you ever hitch-hike avoid kansas and oklahoma
Editing stage: 

Comments

It is so easy to lose the formatting and you must not rely on it for the poems value. Fortunately you don't here, it only enhances it.

I thought hitch-hiking was all but dead. It is in Australia, I hitched everywhere in the '70s. Now no-one will pick you up.

Your use of dialect is pretty good, not sure how to improve it, I'm so hopeless at it I never even try.

This poem stands alone but I can well imagine it as part of a series or extended.

Thinking on it, I reckon you would be less tempted to use shaping if you learned a bit about meter.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

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