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Like This... [ A thousand words contest]

Here, like this, from past to future
Light plays a part of what he saw
It says elder teaches, a kind of nurture
Sit on my knee, just because... because

Put your fingers here, strum the strings
You'll make music work for you
I can't think of a single thing
Nothing better that you can do

His eyes took in the light and darkness
He made the paint reflect the mood
Small fingers can't yet quite caress
But grandpa teaches willing brood

Take a break from heat of day
Shaded room, the sun left out
Take a bit of time to play
This is what life is about

Slow, sonorous, plucking notes
Take the time to make them right
Press them now, learn by rote
Then one day you make them bright

You got me hooked, I fell for it
I saw the loving, tender side
I felt for just a little bit
The magic notes deep inside

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I chose a great American artist by the name of Henry Ossawa Tanner. He was born on June 6th, 1859 Died on May 25th 1937 He was Afro-American and a well respected painter of portraits and scenes of the South. I chose him because his painting of The Banjo Player struck me as being a good example of how light and shadow can make a painting give you the emotion that the artist wanted you to see.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Beautifully orchestrated, and the words painted a true picture with added facets, that the artist would have been so pleased with,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I had hoped that I did the artist justice in using my words to describe what I thought he wanted us to see. I wanted to go with a painting that is well known, but not one of the obvious ones, such as the Mona Lisa or Scream. This one touched me right away. I also liked that he was Afro-American and won a great reputation during a time that didn't lend itself well to his race being feted for anything other than their musical ability. ~ Gee.
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author comment

It certainly does him justice. it's quite the tender subject matter, and the contrast between the light thrown on the back wall and the subtle serious busines of banjo playing depicted in the foreground. You've given this a sometime playful, sometimes earnest rendering Gee. good job. No initial crit. will give it a few reads.

Thanks,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

you liked my choice. This artist captured the moment perfectly. His use of light and shade illustrated
the points he wanted to make and he [in my opinion] enhanced the idea that the grandpa was imparting his knowledge to a youngster, who was really serious about wanting to learn. Thank you for the read and comments. ~ Gee.
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author comment

Apart from the last line. To me it blows the whole feeling and tone of the poem.
I suggest you revisit it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

at it again, but I felt that it made the feeling of using the music that he made might make his life more bearable. ~ Gee.
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author comment

asking me to take another look at those last lines, Jess. I think that what I did to change them makes it much better. ~ Gee.
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author comment

The flow was wonderful
Read like a song

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I'm really pleased that you like this one. I felt like I was there, watching the painter painting the people in the scene and that I could almost hear the notes as the boy plucked the strings. Very powerful use of light and shadow to give the scene the proper feel. ~ Gee.
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Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

small changes, big difference.
Let no-one say out 'art and sullen craft' is not also an exact one!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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